I used to suffer from Nice Girl Syndrome. This was a pesky little disorder, with symptoms that included not speaking up for myself, letting people walk all over me, and not getting things I deserved because I didn't ask for them. Then, I turned thirty, and everything seemed to change. Or, I guess I changed. I took charge of my "health", and with the help of some general kick-myself-in-the-ass (and plenty of vitamins!) I recovered from a lifelong illness that had kept me in a place I really didn't want to be--unfulfilled and disappointed.
How many of us grew up suffering from (and in some cases inflicted with by well-meaning parents and adults) Nice Girl Syndrome? How many time were we told that "nice little girls don't do such-and-such..." or "be nice and kiss your Uncle Bob" or even "Shhhh! It's not nice to raise your voice!" How many young girls grow up thinking they have to be nice in order to be a proper and acceptable member of society? And just how many boys do you think grow up thinking that way?
I know of far too many young women who have done (or not done) things that went against their every instinct because of some deep-seeded inclination to be nice. For me, this phenonemon has manifested in my friendships (the other girls won't like me if I speak my true feelings!), my professionalism (I should've gotten the praise for the idea on that project, but well, I guess I won't make a stink...) to my intimate relationships (He really hurt my feelings, but I'm afraid he'll leave me if I tell him...). Instead of speaking my true feelings about situations that really mattered, the Nice Girl stepped in, reminding me not to rock the boat, to just accept the situation with a smile and move on. Problem is, I'm not that good an actor. If something's bugging me, the whole world knows it. So instead of speaking my mind and getting my point across in a clear and productive way, I'd try to bottle up my feelings but end up with anger and hostility pouring out passive aggressively. It was a mess.
Recently, I spoke to a girlfriend--we'll call her Remy--who was saying how much she dislikes working a 9-5pm workday when all her coworkers take advantage of the company's flexible workday schedule. She has a relatively long commute and said she'd like to work earlier in the day to avoid the evening traffic she inevitably runs into during her current 5pm commute home. I asked her why she didn't just talk to her supervisor about changing her hours. She smiled and said that her supervisor is pretty "by-the-book" and unlikely to accomodate Remy's request. I pushed back at her, pointing out that she'll never really know what her supervisor will or won't approve until she asks. "I know," Remy replied sheepishly. "I just haven't gotten up the nerve to ask. My husband gets so annoyed with me for that." I reminded her that the worst that will happen is that her supervisor will say no, in which case Remy could let the matter drop, or propose an alternative: let her work an earlier schedule three days a week, and a normal schedule two days. She liked this idea and said she might have to use it soon. Then, she fell back into her comfort zone and said, "One of these days I'll ask. I'm just too nervous now." As parting words, I told her to act like a woman but think like a man. Men, for the most part, don't have these issues of Should I or shouldn't I? and What happens if someone gets annoyed with me? Men, as a rule, go after what they want, which probably accounts in some part (or large part) for the continued pay discrepansy between men and women who work the same job. Men ask for raises; women hope for raises and think of all the reasons they should get one but we never actually approach the boss. Men negotiate higher salaries, more vacation time, and even promotions...and women, well we know that we are equally deserving of these things but we talk ourselves out of fighting for them. We know what we want, we just don't know how to ask for (or demand) it.
I am by no means claiming to be an expert at this stuff myself. I still can get flustered around authority figures in a workplace, and the idea of negotiating a salary makes me want to run and hide. However, I'm old enough now to realize that if I don't speak up for myself, no one else is going to do it for me. I'm not such a coveted biologist that an organization is going to offer me any higher a salary than it has to when offering me a job. I have to ask for what I know I'm worth. I know that my friends love me, but they don't always understand or appreciate the demands I have on my time. So, I have to be the one to set limits on the time devoted to my social life versus time to my family and household. People will get pissed and upset. But, I know the responsibilities I have and what is most important to me--my husband and kid--so the rest of the world can be angry when I make a decision that's unpopular. I no longer tell the waiter at the restaurant that the meal is fine if I didn't get what I ordered or if the food was awful. I know that if I've paid $5 for a meal or $35 for a meal, either way I've spent my money and the meal should be the way I expected it. I'm not rude or wasteful, but I also don't pretend to like food if I was dissatisfied. If the farmer at the open-air market is trying to get rid of extra produce at the end of the day, I ask for a better deal than his sale price. I ask for military discounts all the time now, because many merchants have them but don't advertise, so they'll only grant it if you ask.
I now ask for the things I want in life and I'm taking control of me.
I once asked Adam to go birding with me, even though he could care less about the yellow-breasted whats-it bird. But, he came into the field with me and acted as my field assistant for entire week while I was conducting my graduate research. Nowadays he hikes with me, entertaining a squirmy Bryony so that I can bird in peace. And, even though I had waited two whole years for a job offer, when I finally got my current position, I knew my family situation still had to come first. I accepted the position, contingent on getting a week of vacation off when Adam was home, even though a temporary job like mine doesn't come with annual leave. But I asked for it and I got it.
I haven't mastered the art of taking care of my own interests, but I'm getting there. Acting like a woman but thinking like a man. I think, at least for me, that that's how this woman will get what she wants in life. But, I think I'm going to need some chocolate and a copy of "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" to get my hormone levels back into balance.
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