The Soldier's Return

And she cries for the soldier's return
Despair, at being alone for so long
By the light of the candle that burns
For his life, and for the day of the soldier's return
--Erasure

My husband came home and it was glorious. I left work in the middle of the day to pick him up from the local airport, and when I saw him I fell into his arms and cried. He was home, safe, in one piece and I was so incredibly lucky.

We picked up Bryony later that afternoon, with some trepidation about what her response would be. After all, she hadn't seen her daddy outside of " the box" in five months. How would she react? She exceeded both our expectations. As soon as she saw Adam, a wide, toothy grin erupted all over her tiny face and she ran to him. When asked if she knew who he was, she immediately said, "Daddy!" followed by "poopie!", which made us all laugh. That's how we knew she was going to be fine.

However, she didn't let him out of her sight the entire time he was home,as if he might disappear forever if she allowed him to turn the corner. If he even left to use the restroom, Bryony started whimpering for her daddy. I realized early on in his visit that his imminent departure was going to be just as difficult on her as it would be on me.

But we made the most of our time with Adam. We planned a magnificent trip--four days camping in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, one night's stay in Canada, and then two days' stay on Mackinac Island...the weather was beautiful, everything worked out perfectly, it was a dream vacation. And yet, we knew that only days after vacation ended, Adam would be leaving us, again. I didn't want our trip to ever end. I didn't want to say good-bye to the beauty of northern Michigan or to the beauty of being with my partner again.

But I did. Wednesday morning we arose early to finish packing his seabag (the same one, he pointed out, that he had used his first day in the military twenty-two years ago). We woke up a sleeping Bryony and gently told her that Daddy had to leave to go back to "the box." Thankfully she was too sleepy to understand. Upon arriving at the airport, the reality of his leaving hit me all at once and I felt weak. How could I go back to being alone after the tease of being with my partner again? How would I pick up the reins and become a single parent once more? How would I deal with a baby girl who was about to be devastated by the absence of her father yet again?

He held me and kissed me and told me it would be okay, and then he was gone. And I cried, even though I tried not to for Bryony's sake. But, as I suspected, she didn't realize what was happening, at least not until that evening, when I picked her up from school and she asked for him. She came home looking for Adam, opening doors and peering around them, calling out his name. My heart was breaking and I forced myself not to cry so that I could explain to her that Daddy was not here anymore. She picked up a pair of his sneakers and dirty socks that he left on the floor, and she brought them to me, asking for Daddy...how do you explain five more months to a two-year old?

Friday Adam arrived safely back in Iraq, and we were able to Skype with him that evening. It was good and familiar and bittersweet. Bittersweet because he's there and we're here, and because this separation is our current state of normalcy; having him home for two weeks was a special treat. And yes, I know that this current state of affairs won't last forever, but Bryony is growing so fast! and we won't get this time with her back. It hurts to know how much he's missing out on.

But because everything comes full circle, in Adam's absence remains the presence of him in his daughter. Bryony is so tall and lanky--she is her daddy's daughter--towering over her peers. And when she smiles...that's Adam's smile. I look at her, and I'm reminded...Adam is never very far away.