Fight or Flight

Several years ago, Adam and I went to the Hillel (Jewish Student Union) on campus to celebrate Passover. I met a woman there who had just returned from taking students on a travel abroad to Israel. She said the trip was fantastic, but she found that Israelis have a much different awareness of things--their environment, other people, happenings around them--because of the incidence of suicide bombings. People there are prepared...to run, to defend themselves, or even, to die. Right before our conversation ended, she said that things in America are going to change as terrorism leaves a stronger mark. It won't be long before Americans lose our innocence and find ourselves preparing for the same unknown threats that could be lurking in our public places. The thought left me feeling vulnerable and scared.

I have found, however, that in the years since I met that woman, my overall sense of discomfort has been heightened not by the foreign terrorism we hear so much about, but rather by the domestic mass murderers who seem to have become ever more pervasive. The Virginia Tech shooting was the clincher for me...and then, random shootings on college campuses just seemed to keep happening. Most recently were the shootings in Arizona and in Grand Rapids, Michigan. It doesn't stop. I'm not going to get into a whole diatribe here about gun control versus gun rights...my conversation today is more about how I've reacted.

There are very few public places where I feel safe. At work, my mind wanders to where I will go to escape a gunman who wants to take revenge on tree-hugging environmentalists. I'm on the third floor of my building, so I actually have a whole hide-jump-hang-run scenario in my head in case I have to flee.
When I'm at a mall or store, I usually look for emergency exits, hiding places and hard items that I can improvise to use as weapons. When I'm in a classroom, I usually survey the room for large items to barricade the door, and cabinets and closets for hiding. Whether or not my mental state will actually allow me to put any of this planning to good use in an emergency remains to be seen, but I am prepared.

I'm not consumed with fear; I don't allow it to dictate where I go or what I do, but I find that I can't help but assess my surroundings these days, just in case. Just in case I have to fight, flee or hide. I'm not yet ready to die.