This morning I opened my e-mail inbox to find a letter from the most recent employer with whom I interviewed. "We have reviewed your application and unfortunately we are unable to offer you a position at this time." It was a huge letdown. Out of sixty applicants, I had made it to the top two candidates for the position, earning me a second phone interview. I felt pretty sure I had kicked some ass on that interview. And, the job was an internship, a job usually taken on by undergradutes. But, it's been so long since I've had a job, and I'm so eager to work in my field and for this organization that I was willing to take a 3-month internship. But they didn't want me.
This whole process is utterly humiliating. I can't describe the emotion that was stuck in my throat as I read the words of rejection. Does no one want me? What the hell am I doing wrong? Why can't I get a job? I'm not asking for a high-paying position with benefits and a 401K plan. I just need an entry-level position so I can get my foot in the door. I just want to feel productive and useful and engrained in my field again. All of my friends from graduate school have jobs; I'm trying to figure out what they've done right that I haven't figured out yet.
When I read the rejection letter this morning, the first thing I thought is how easily I can now understand those stories we've heard of people committing suicide from not being able to find work. This is perhaps the single most (and longest-lasting) ego-bruising endeavour I've been on, and if I knew that my entire family was suffering because of my unemployment status, I could see how feelings of depression, self-doubt and insecurity could get the best of me. These are hard times, and the only thing keeping me going now is the knowledge that I don't have to work (at least as long as Adam is employed by the military), and I have a little girl at home to take care of while I'm searching. But sometimes, even those two nuggets of knowledge don't feel like enough. Especially when I remember a vow I made to myself years ago, based on advice my mother had told me when I was young: "Don't ever be financially dependent on someone else." I know the really negative consequences of relying on someone else to take care you financially; people change, circumstances change and the situation you're in right now might not always be the case. I don't ever want to be caught off-guard if if one day Adam won't or can't "bring home the bacon." I want to be bringing home my own bacon so that my life will more easily go on in the face of adversity.
Two nights ago, Adam encouraged me to join him and his colleagues for a "last dinner" since he will be deploying soon. I didn't really want to go. In my previous experience, I've sat at a table trying to make conversation with my 1-year old or watching the restaurant television while the rest of the table yammered on about work, people and events that I knew nothing about. If someone asked me about myself at all during the night, it was most likely, "So, Lauren, do you work?" Sure as bloody hell I do, you jackass! is what I wanted to respond. Usually I would say that yes, I'm staying at home with our child. As soon as they realize that Oh, she's just a mom, they nod, turn their face back to the more interesting conversation at the table and I'm never addressed again the rest of the night. It's pretty embarrassing to have people just assume that I have nothing of worth to say just because I'm not a lawyer or working in a suit-and-tie profession. I stream NPR through my computer all day long, so I am more than knowledgeable about world and national events, politics, social matters, you name it. The other night, when I tried to bring up current events as a way to shift the conversation to something I could join in, everyone just gave me a weird look and a few "uh-huh's" and went back to talking office politics. I finally gave up and made a mental note to never put myself in a position like that again. I don't need strangers to make me feel like nothing. The way my search for work is going, I can feel that way all by myself.
If I'm completely honest, I think a huge part of my problem is that I have bought into our society's view that being a stay-at-home parent is not a "real job." I know how exhausting--both physically and emotionally--parenting can be. But you get no paycheck. You can't put it on your resume and get any serious recognition from potential employers. There are no accolades, pay raises, sick days, holidays, vacation time or promotions. And even after you've worked all day, you might have to pull the night shift without a nighttime differential. There is no potential for upward mobility. Everyone tells me that I should be glad to have this time with my child, and make no mistake, I am. But for me, that's not enough. I went to school for a long time so that I could do something else, in addition to being a parent. And I hate feeling feeling bad for not having a job and then feeling guilty for wanting one.
I guess this is just one of those days. And this, too, shall pass.
4 comments:
Not ALL of your friends from grad school have jobs......I'm right there with you!
I stand corrected, Alix. Actually, two other grad school friends are not employed in our field. One left our field altogether and is now a public school teacher (teaching science). The other is working at a temp agency waiting for the perfect wildlife job to come along, and she has TONS of experience. It's rough going out there, isn't it?
I should also elaborate on my comment that parenting isn't a "real job." I've done this job everyday for the last 20+ months, so I'm not saying that I don't understand or respect it. I'm saying that as someone who wants to return to the (outside the home) working world, parenting doesn't translate very well (you're not encouraged to talk about it as a job during interviews, you can't report salary, promotions, etc. I really hope I haven't offended any of my full-time parent friends who I know work their tails off everyday to take care of their households. I was speaking only through the frustration of my own experience, but not from my perspective of the job of parenting itself.
I hope that rambling explanation was clear to you all.
lauren, as a stay at home mom i was not offended by any of your comments. i understand how you feel. i just would rather at this time be at home with my girls. i think in a few years once they start school then i'll definitely want and need to get out of the house and work. but everyone is different and some moms are better moms if they are working moms. i think i would not be a very good mom if i had to work too because some days i feel so overwhelmed i don't know how i'd manage if i had another job to think about too. but good luck and i hope you find something soon.
Thanks, Sarah! I received yet another "Dear John" letter today regarding a job, but I'm choosing to stay optimistic about the job hunt. With our lives changing so much in the next week (hubby deploying) I know that being at home with my wee one is probably the best way for us both to cope with the transition. Having said that, I'm looking forward to doing some volunteer work to keep my mind active and focused while Adam is away. I think it will be good for my almost-2-year old to be around other children a few times during the week, too, so I look forward to her having some time at daycare. Bracing for some big changes ahead.
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