Am I the only person who totally feels like I put my foot in my mouth at every opportunity? Whether I'm attempting to sound clever at a business event, amongst a new crowd of friends, or even just with my everyday friends and family, I always seem to say something stupid that makes everyone tense up momentarily, right before they cast the sidelong glance at me that silently says, "Did you really just say that??"
Adam says I have no internal monologue, that my thoughts just seem to stream unchecked from my mouth as they come to my brain. But, I argue, I'm not tactless; I don't say things that hurt others' feelings or make them feel uncomfortable. No...I make sure to keep my conversation embarassing only for myself so that I'm the only one in the room that people feel sorry for. I have chronic foot-in-mouth syndrome.
Oh, let me list the ways...how about when I recently sent an email to a new friend (and someone whose work I really admire and am a big fan of) telling her that I'm "your fan, not a crazy, psycho stalker, but the fact that I felt a need to say that suggests otherwise." (Oy!) Or perhaps when my recently divorced friend who's been unlucky on the dating scene so far tells me that she's going on a dating hiatus to spend more time with herself, and instead of sympathizing with her I respond, "Maybe next time Adam gets on my nerves, I'll spend more time with myself, too...jk, my married life is actually really good!" (Rub it in, why don't you, brainiac!) Oh, and yes, the real beauty was when a dear friend who had a baby a few months ago confided that she's been too tired to be intimate with her husband, and I come back with "Really? I can't keep my hands off Adam! I'm so randy he says he's going to need a pinch hitter soon!" (Yes, I said that to her, and I just said it again here. Doh!)
I think I need to be one of those people who makes a year-long vow of silence, showing up on Oprah and Good Morning, America with my pen and paper to answer questions in the written word. Maybe if I had to take time to write things down, I'd give more thought to the lame things I say before anyone else has to hear (or read) them.
In the meantime, doesn't Best Buy have a Squad for people like me?
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