Great Expectations

Oh, how I have missed thee, dear blog! It has been nearly two weeks of non-posting, and I have sincerely thought about you, craved you, and created virtual posts the entire duration. But, I must admit that in my absence, I have had wonderful travels, seeing family for the first time in almost a year, and visiting my little house and dear friends who I miss everyday. While it is hard to be away from them all once again, I am happy to be with Adam once more, and to you, dear blog.

Tonight, I started thinking that maybe I'm a modern-day Mrs. Haversham. Perhaps I expect too much and can't let go of the image of my life that I once built up in my mind: me, successful career woman ably balancing marriage, parenthood and profession. I see other people do it so well, I wonder why it just doesn't work out for me. I'm in a place I never thought I'd be in--unintentionally unemployed, at home with my child longer than I planned, in a place with few social or professional prospects. Today my mind went to dark places that unnerved me enough that I am forcing myself to accentuate the positive...eliminate the negative, and all that corny nonsense.

Actually, my travels were so so very good that the entire time I had plans to write my first post-travel blogpost about "Gratitude". Gratitude for all the things I do have, despite the lack of some things that I really, really want. And so, in keeping with my aim to obey Bing Crosby, here is the post that I promised myself I'd write. I think it will be good for me to get my head into the light a bit, and it'll also let you guys know that I've not succumbed to strictly whining, bitching and complaining about my present situation. There are good thoughts in this head of mine, too.

Anyway, during my travels, I had occasion to speak to a really good friend of mine who is going through her own personal obstacles, primarily in the relationship department. It was this commentary from her that totally perked up my ears for the first time, allowing me to leave the depths of my self-pity and think about someone else's lot for a bit.
She said, "Lauren, I know it's been really hard for you to not have a job right now after you've worked so hard to get one. But when I look at your life, I see a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter and great family and friends. Maybe you're at a point where you're just not supposed to have everything all at once, and you have to just focus on the things that you DO have. I know how it feels, because I've been thinking the same thing about my life. I have a wonderful job that I love, great family and friends, awesome pets...but I don't have anyone to come home to at night, and that's hard. But I'm thinking that maybe I'm not supposed to have it all at once right now, and this is my chance to really focus on and appreciate the things that I do have."
It was a bit more religious and new-agey than I'm used to subscribing to (I tend to believe that we all make our own destiny within the confines of the hand of cards we're dealt, not that some higher power is pulling the strings determining our fate). However, there was some merit to what she was saying. What's the harm in putting aside thoughts of desperation, anger, failure and resignation and replacing them with more positive sentiments about the great things in my life? After all, I do have so many wonderful things to be grateful for, proud of and happy about, and I am all of these things.
Later in my travels, I spoke to another friend about the wisdom of my previous friend's comments, and she laughed appreciatively, saying, "Funny you should bring that up, because it doesn't look like I'm going to ever have kids and I'm really sad about that. But I'm trying to remember that I have a great job, a wonderful husband and extended family, friends that I love...and so if kids don't ever come, I'm still lucky to have the life I have."
It was a tough pill for me to swallow. Here I have been consumed with self-pity and anxiety and desperation for months because of my current state of joblessness while a good friend is dealing with the idea of never having the children she so much wants. Not even a close call. A job--some job--will one day come to me, I know it. But for her to never experience what it is to have a child, an experience that she really wants...I felt so sad for her. It put my own situation into much clearer perspective.

And so, with that, I will list the many wonderful things in my life for which I'm eternally grateful. These are in no particular order, mind you. And thanks to my friends who support me, guide me, and set me straight. Love you.

Bryony
Adam
Extended family
Greg House and Kika (and Shabbi, wherever she is)
My girlfriends
My guy friends
My (and my family's) health
My education
My experiences
Adam's employment
My ability to travel to see family and friends from time to time
My freedom (legal, literal and figurative)

I'm trying to let go of some of my expectations about my life, and focus on being happy with the "what is" instead of being sad about the "what isn't". It's a work in progress.