As many of my friends are only too happy to remind me, it was only a few short years ago that I proudly professed to anyone who would listen that I would never get married or have kids. Then, I transitioned into maybe-I-can-get-married-but-why-would-anyone-have-kids? mode before a year or so later entering the maybe-kids-don't-completely-ruin-your-life zone. Then I got married, admittedly a bit unconventionally, but I did enter into the forays of matrimony. Only half a year later, I found out I was pregnant. I guess that's what the old sages mean when they say that people change.
In fact, I've changed more than I could have ever imagined. I am completely in love with my little girl. While there are stressful days (like this morning, when I realized she'd poo'd all over her outfit, and after changing her diaper and outfit, she managed to vomit three times, requiring two more diaper changes), most of my time with her is filled with wonder and joy as I see her growing, learning and progressing into the next stages of childhood. It's wild. It's moments like this that make the idea of returning to work paralyzing; the idea of someone else--a stranger--getting to see her "firsts" and her growth makes me sick to my stomach. But at the same time, I still feel passionately about my work as a biologist. The idea of not returning to workforce outside the home feels just as unbearable. So what to do? Stay at home with my child and feel like I'm missing out on the work I spent 4 1/2 years of grad school preparing for OR return to work and feel like I'm missing out on the single most important experience of my life (ie--motherhood)?
So, for now, I'm trying not to sweat it, and am just enjoying the time I have with Bryony. She is already over 3 months old, and I can hardly believe that I would've been back to work over a month already if I'd been on matenity leave. She still seems SO small and young and the idea of her being at day care just seems unimaginable to me, even though I know that most people do it.
I have applied for a couple of jobs down in Georgia, so I am actively pursuing employment for the near future. As supportive as Adam is of my taking care of our child, we'ver never had an expectation that we'd be a single-income household, at least not permanently. So, I am trying to enjoy each moment with the little miss in the meantime, assuming that I will be putting her into daycare sometime soon.
One thing about this situation comforts me--the notion that my daughter will see her mother as a mother and a biologist. It's important to me for my children to know that not just daddies can work outside the home and make a difference in the world; mums can, too. So, I want to set this example for my daughter, so that she'll know that one day it could be an option open for her, too, if she so chooses.
But that doesn't mean that I won't have a little hole in my heart to know that the special smiles that she gives me everyday will go to someone else during the eight hours I'm away from her.
But I guess no one ever said any of this was supposed to be easy.
1 comment:
Interesting that our culture seems to think that the most important differences made in the world are those outside the home, and yet it's the problems inside the home that seem to drive a great majority of our culture's problems.
Kids are a very devalued segment of our society (why else do we pay daycare workers so little when they're the ones raising the future??); I believe it's one of the reasons mothers often become convinced (even while staying at home) that being at home is not as important as it is--if someone else can do it relatively inexpensively, why should we sacrifice our own expensive career/plans?
It's counterculture these days to buck the system and decide to stay at home--people certainly shun the sacrifice. Mothering is an unheralded job/career (until we become mothers ourselves): we don't get paid for it, promoted for it, recognized for it or merited in very many ways at all (although we definitely get tenure--no one wants our job! :>).
I wonder really what example will speak louder--that we're working women or that we're choosing to dig in deep and invest in their lives?
Regardless of what your choice will be, though, motherhood will ALWAYS be incredibly challenging and incredibly rewarding.
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