It's been nearly a month since Adam moved. He got a semi-permanent position with Army JAG in the Washington, D.C. area, and left about a month ago to start. It's strange how all of these separations have started to get easier...well, maybe the separations themselves are not easier, but rather, the difficulty of the separation is getting easier to deal with, if that makes sense?
The day Adam left, Bryony discovered Superman, as in the 1978 Christopher Reeve version. She, like her mama (and more pointedly, her daddy), has fallen in love. Adam loves superheroes, I love Christopher Reeve, and Bryony loves all the flying bits. In fact, when Adam left that day, Bryony didn't cry when his car pulled away...but she cried when the movie ended.
I have been reading The Time Traveller's Wife. I saw the movie a few years ago and enjoyed it, and was surprised when Adam brought the book home for me a few months ago. Since I knew how the story would end, I found difficulty getting engaged in the book. After a few attempts, however, I was trapped in an uneasy storyline of a man who travels between his current existence, his childhood, his wife's childhood (which I personally had a hard time swallowing, as I felt it borderline pedophilia), and several random places in between. Now, of course, I'm more than halfway through and can't go to sleep at night unless I've read at least a chapter.
Adam came back this weekend for his first visit since he moved. I looked forward to it with such high hopes for me and Bryony since we've both missed him so much. I worked a half day on Thursday, then picked him up from the airport before going to Bryony's school. She was still sleeping when we arrived, so we were invited by her teachers to sit next to her cot until she awoke. All of her little classmates were so excited to have classroom visitors that they crowded around and played with us until she woke up. Adam is really good with the kids and he was in his element, building block towers and answering all their questions. I could only focus on my little girl, sweet and quiet in her blissful sleep. When she woke up and saw us sitting there, she got jealous and angry that her friends had her daddy's attention, as she really wanted him all to herself. We made a point of sectioning ourselves off so she had some dad time. Afterward, we took her to see the new movie Brave, which was really great and, for me, particularly poignant because it is a mother-daughter tale.
It's been a little difficult adjusting to each other again, which intellectually, I've come to expect, but emotionally, I'm always unprepared for. One of the hardest parts is that because Adam's perpetual absence has come to make him an enigma to Bryony, he can do no wrong in her eyes. He's fun dad...which means that I have to play the role of bad cop. I'm the task-master and the law-layer. And, since she sees me all the time, I'm not really that interesting. So, she has little to no interest in spending time with me or having me around. More than once this weekend, she told me to "Go away, Mama!" when she was having some one-on-one time with Adam. I tried not to feel hurt. When I'm the one who does the day-to-day heavy lifting, the parenting, the comforting, the decision-making, the caretaking...it's hard not to feel overlooked and unappreciated when all my kid wants is Fun Dad.
Then, two nights ago, something happened. Adam went to bed, and I went to the living room with my book to read awhile before bed. Just before cracking open the pages, I decided to check on Bryony, who we'd put to bed 20 minutes earlier. When I opened the door to her room, it squeaked, causing her to open sleepy eyes and gaze up at me. Suddenly, she broke into a mischievous grin and I started giggling. My mind flashed back suddenly to the times she and I had last summer, when we were living in the hotel because our house had been damaged by rain. We had such good times there, just the two of us, on an adventure. In that moment of giggling and remembering, I realized that I have no reason to feel jealous or unappreciated by her desire to spend time with her dad. Of course she wants him, and she should. I have her all the time, and boy do we have some special times together, making amazing memories. Adam won't have as many of those with her as I do, so I need to let them make those together in the rare times they have with each other. I bent over and kissed her smiling face that night, and then we grinned at each other through the bars of her crib. I told her how very much I loved her, and she gave me her signature smile, and whispered back, "I love you, too, Mama!" My heart did a little dance as I recognized that my role in her life--and in her heart--was exactly where it had always been, and where it should be.
Adam leaves to go back to DC tomorrow morning, and then Bryony's and my lives will return to their new normal. The weekend's difficulties will subside, and our routine, with all that it encompasses, will take hold once more.
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