My Guy...(Our Guy)

Everytime I take out my phone to call someone, or whenever my phone rings, Bryony immediately asks, "Dads?" It breaks my heart to have to tell her that no, we're about to speak to a relative or a friend instead. She obviously craves her dad's presence so much, and I just want to be able to give her what she wants. I've found that it's quite difficult to strike the right balance of having enough Adam in our lives without having too much Adam here. By this, I mean I want Bryony to remember her dad, to think of him and know that he loves her. However, I don't want her to obsess about where he is (in as much as a toddler can obsess), or spend the next eight months with a broken heart because he's not here. It's tough, because I have a broken heart, so how can I expect for her not to?

Luckily, last week, a gift from Kuwait arrived in the mail. Adam had told me it would be coming; in fact, he had been asking me everyday if it had arrived yet. And then, one day it did. A USO operation was located at the base in Kuwait that Adam passed through on his way to Iraq, and they allowed him to make a special gift: a DVD recording of Adam reading a book of his choosing to Bryony. He shipped both the book ("Green Eggs and Ham") and the DVD to us. As soon as Bryony saw him on the TV, a huge smile broke over her face and she looked from me to the screen, pointing and repeating, "Dads!" What fun it was to watch my little girl as she studied the face she hasn't seen in over a month, a face she's been missing so dearly. She eventually got comfortable with his presence and she settled back to recline in my lap as she read along with the book. And then, the book was over, and Adam said some final words, and the recording stopped. She looked up at me quizzically. How does one explain these things to a toddler? I played the DVD again and she was happy, at least for the time being.

Today, my friend Emily came over to watch Bryony while I went through a phone interview. Knowing I wouldn't have peace and quiet if I stayed in the house, I took the call outside in my idling car (yes, yes, I know, but it was 25 degrees outside and I needed heat!). After the half-hour interview, I went back inside to find a tear-stained Bryony and a tough-as-nails Emily straddling her own infant daughter while showing my daughter that I'd returned. Turns out, after twenty minutes of songs, books and games, Bryony suddenly had a ten-minute meltdown, screaming for her "Daddy!" the entire time. I was shocked that she screamed for him before she called for me, but I'm now starting to fully realize the entirety of her grief. She misses her man as much--if not moreso--as I do. At least I have some understanding as to why he's gone; she has no context for why he is suddenly gone and only appears sporadically on the TV or computer screen. Her heart is breaking.

When it was time to put her down to nap, she screamed long and fiercely, like her soul was being ripped away. I pulled her from her crib and held her to me, tight and close and whispered into her hair, "I miss him, too, honey." She fell asleep in the cradle of my cuddle, her tears and choking sobs slowly having subsided.

We love you, Adam.