I have started to wonder if there is a such thing as a completely secure, self-confident person. I mean, I know we all have times in our lives when we are fearful of particular situations (a first date, public speaking, etc.), but I'm talking about overall comfortable-with-who-you-are-ness. Like, not assuming that the rest of the world is thinking the negative thoughts about you that you're thinking about yourself (and totally not caring even if they are!).
Hey, I'm guilty of being insecure (as my husband would be the first to attest to). I wish I were more creative and I look with wonder at friends who seem to tap into interior decorating, clothing ensembles, photography or crafting effortlessly. I feel like I'm devoid of a creativity gene and find that I'm always nervous about having people to my house (Did I make an artful enough meal? Do the curtains match the accesories? Why can't I manage to arrange our photo frames into something flattering and eye-catching???). I'm also lacking in confidence when it comes to my parenting abilities (hence, the nervous Sorry! I mutter when Bryony is misbehaving or throwing a tantrum). And I worry whether I come across as smart enough; have I kept up with current events, do I know literary and pop culture references, can I discuss in detail the Theory of Relativity?
I see the same lack of confidence in my friends, too. I have wonderful, amazing women in my life who are smart, witty and of whom I'm completely in awe, and yet they too have feelings of inadequacy. It's mind-boggling. Like, why does one friend always apologize for everything, even for things that aren't her fault (like, it's raining outside)? Why does another friend seem insecure about her abilities and background when she's at the height of her career? And another friend, who doesn't think she deserves to have people devote time to her? Or, my friend who's so busy judging herself against her partner and other women that she doesn't recognize the smarts, talent and beauty she has?
One common theme here is that all of these friends are women. I'm not suggesting that men don't fall prey to self-confidence and inadequacy issues. Sure they do, but I think they don't show it in as straight-forward a manner as women. No, men are more likely to pick a fight in a bar and turn it into a back-alley brawl; buy an obscenely expensive and completely unnecessary vehicle or sound system; or be a "player" in their relationships with romantic partners. Women self-deprecate, apologize for perceived shortcomings and downplay successes and accomplishments. We tell the world outright that we're not worthy.
Although it would be difficult for me to acknowledge myself, I know that the things I consider my inadequacies really are not. I know that any one of my friends would say that I am a decent cook overall, that they never noticed whether my curtains match the throw pillows, and that my family is so lovely the photos of them overshadow any lack of creativity in my frame arrangement. And likewise, I would tell my one friend that she need not ever apologize because she is one of the most giving and thoughtful people I've ever met. And to my other friend, I am in awe of the work she does and the many professional achievements she has amassed. And I would tell my next friend that she is the person I strive to be, and time spent with her is always food for the soul and lightning bolts for the mind. And for my last friend, I would say she need not compare herself to anyone else, for she is smart, talented and lovely all on her own.
Again, I ask: Is it possible to feel completely adequate and secure? Can we have a love affair with ourselves? Perhaps that is the one love story we're still waiting to read.
No comments:
Post a Comment