Several years ago, a good friend of mine who had recently had her first baby told me that she'd read that there are three things that a new mother never admits to other new mothers:
1) She didn't get any stretch marks with her pregnancy;
2) She already fits into all her old, pre-pregnancy clothes;
3) Her newborn is already sleeping through the night
In the ten months that I was pregnant, and in the year since Bryony has been born, I have thought A LOT about these three rules of new mum etiquette. I think about them a lot because they are so commonly broken by women who seem intent on proving that they have mastered pregnancy and new motherhood better than any other, as if it were a competition.
I don't necessarily blame women, however. Our society is one that is intent on keeping women pre-pubescently skinny, without the natural breast, hip, buttocks and thigh curves inherent to a mature woman's form. How often do we see female actors on magazine covers being ridiculed for looking "fat" in a bathing suit, for having cellulite or for eating a meal other than salads? The next article announces in a frenzy that some other actress has an eating disorder and has lost too much weight. Has anyone ever noticed that male actors never NEVER NEVER get this treatment? Women have to live up to an unreal and unhealthy standard in order to be seen as beautiful by Hollywood, and by our society in general. In many cases, it's the difference between being employed or not.
Sadly, this mentality seems to extend to pregnancy as well. The one time in a woman's life that she SHOULD gain significant weight (and not be judged for it) is increasingly becoming less accepted, even by women themselves. As long as I have been an adult, I have understood that the proper comments to make to a pregnant woman include "Oh, you look great, you've barely gained any weight!" or "Other than the belly, I'd never know you were pregnant!" or my favorite, "Oh, you're ALL BELLY!". Why are we perpetuating this idea that gaining weight during a pregnancy is bad? Weight gain is supposed to happen. Women gain weight to have the fat supplies that provide nourishing energy to the developing fetus, as well as to produce breastmilk once the baby is born. Wouldn't it be great if we could come to a point where it was acceptable and complimentary to say, "I love your full and round pregnant body!" or "I'll bet your husband is sure loving the voluptuous pregnant beauty that you are!"
I can tell you that my body grew and changed a lot during the course of my pregnancy. While it took me several months to gain weight due to severe all-day nausea in the first trimester, I started to put it on rather easily in the last two months before Bryony was born. And, I admit, I was torn between being happy that I was finally putting on the weight that my midwives were shooting for, and a little anxious about being able to take off all that weight once the baby was born. Alas! I was anything but "all belly." My breasts not only got huge, but also lost their previous perky curve in favor of full, torpedo-shaped bundles. My butt, already a bit be-dunk-a-dunk, was even more 'grabbable.' My thighs, already on the heavy side, barely fit into my old jeans. And my face got full--full of the babyfat that I thought I had gotten rid of back in high school. My body changed; I was pregnant. I tried hard to accept it; it really helped to have a husband who continually (and exasperatedly) reminded me that I was not supposed to look like anything other than a pregnant woman while I was pregnant. Why did I have to be reminded of this?
I found it especially hard to have strangers and mere acquaintances ask me how much weight I had gained or if I had gotten stretch marks, information that was obviously none of their business. Truthfully, it even bothered me when close friends and family asked, because I would wonder what their motivation was--to judge "how good a job" I was doing at being pregnant? It seems as though if a woman gains more than 20 pounds or gets stretch marks, she has failed at being a good pregnant woman in society's eyes. Why else are people so interested in knowing these bits of information? I particularly hated when fellow pregnant women would ask, because I felt they were sizing me up, even though I didn't know it was a competition. To this day, I know women who wear it as a badge of honor that they "only gained 15 pounds" with their pregnancy or "didn't get any stretch marks" or "fit back into all my old clothes" within days or weeks of giving birth. Do they honestly think they were better at being pregnant than the rest of us? Well, I'll break it down for you, sweetheart. I gained almost 30 pounds with my pregnancy, which was a hard-won victory because as a nauseous vegetarian, it was very difficult to pack on the pounds for most of the pregnancy. I already HAD stretch marks from years of cyclical weight gain and weight loss, so I didn't really benefit much from not getting any during the pregnancy. And, it took several months before I started fitting back into my old clothes, and trust me, I fill them out A LOT differently than I used to. Besides flabby belly skin and still-full thighs, I can definitely pull the "muffintop" look if I'm not careful. Is it a little hard to deal with? Sure. But am I ashamed to admit my body changes? Not when they're here because of a certain beautiful little girl, who I still cannot believe I made. She is worth all the muffintop and stretch marks in the world. And honestly, while I wish my belly would shrink back to its pre-pregnancy size (especially on days like today when I'm squeezing into jeans in the fitting rooms at Old Navy), the only belly I really worry about is Bryony's...making sure it is full of the sweet, healthy milk my torpedo-shaped breasts produce for her everyday.
And by the way, with regard to rule #3, my baby STILL does not sleep through the night. Expecting her to wake up at any moment, actually.
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