This little one is only a few weeks from making its arrival (assuming it doesn't come early) and I feel so very out of sorts and unprepared. When I was pregnant with B, I was buying second-hand dressers, stocking them with newly-laundered, freshly folded baby clothes and cloth diapers, and reading all the pregnancy books I could get my hands on to know exactly what to do when she arrived. Now, at 36 weeks, I've managed to set up a small alcove in our master bedroom where I've stocked some shelves with all the baby essentials...but I must admit, I've spent much more time knitting Xmas gifts than I have reading about birthing techniques or what vegetable the baby most resembles at this week of the pregnancy. Things have changed, but I can't quite figure out why.
I'm nervous...but not because of the unknown, but because of the known. I know what an undertaking having a newborn in the house is...the constant diaper changes, clothing changes, spitup cleanup, breastfeeding, breastfeeding, breastfeeding. At least in Michigan I had a community of friends to keep me company during those lonely first few weeks and months of figuring things out. I know hardly anyone here, and the idea of being homebound with a newborn with no social outlets is a thought I really don't want to have to visit.
This little one is so incredibly active, perhaps surpassing even the activity B expressed when she was in my belly (and she was one active baby). This one has kicked me so hard in the ribs I've screamed, and has woken me from sleep from feelings that it is pushing down, trying to get out of me. It's unreal sometimes, but I also really like it. Knowing that this is my last pregnancy does make me try to enjoy it--even the crampy, painful aspects--as much as I can.
This baby, or perhaps my age, makes me far more fatigued than I remember being while pregnant with B. I have a hard time keeping my eyes open for much of the day, and doing anything physical can be daunting at best. When I was in the final weeks of pregnancy with B, I was still planting trees and shrubs in the yard and had just finished a job that had me walking through prairies for much of the day. Now, 4 1/2 years later, I can find it hard to just get out of bed in the morning and go downstairs, much less exert any physical labor.
Having said all this, I am so very excited to hold on to this little baby a little while longer, and enjoy our special time together before it's born. We don't know the baby's gender, and are still working on finalizing names, so s/he can stay in utero for good while longer as far as I'm concerned. There will be plenty of love waiting for him/her here on the outside whenever it's time for its arrival.
3 comments:
i read something recently about how we are never ready for anything. or maybe it was, the only way to be ready is to just do it. i am not saying it right but it resonated with me in the moment.
i am never ready to have the baby because of my fear of change and worry about the hardness and work of it all, and my love of being pregnant. but then, the baby comes and i remember how the best part isn't the pregnancy, the best part is by far on the other side of labor, holding that precious little one, and how nature has made that baby sleep all day so it isn't hard at all, it is lovely and cozy and perfect.
so my biggest wish for you is peace. not stress, not low confidence, not worry, but peace.
and i know you aren't super stressed - i just wanted to write this to you because i had it written to you on paper and forgot to slip it into the box. :)
and girl, i am with you on the extreme exhaustion during late pregnancy. sleep, sleep, sleep as much as you can. thinking of you getting rest with that baby active inside makes me happy.
Oh but I am stressed! Thank you for the kind and supportive words (not to mention the box...already chowed down on the delicious granola!). Don't worry about missing news of the birth...I wouldn't let that happen.
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