Potty Humor

I feel a need to lighten the atmosphere a bit after my last few posts, although I apologize if switching from serious social issues to potty humor is abrupt or seemingly disrespectful...

I've been wanting to post this for awhile, but have been stalling for I-don't-know-what-reasons. Maybe afraid my coworkers will read it? Maybe afraid no one will and I'll have written all of this stuff for naught?

Well, the long and short of it is that I haven't quite mastered workplace toilet etiquette. I know, this sounds gross already and I've barely written anything. But, bear with me. I'm the type of person who can comfortably carry on a conversation with a friend while we're both on the throne--I mean, everyone has to go, so why is it such a sensitive issue?--and not think twice about it. But I realize there are those who find this most despicable, and so I often find myself in murky waters (pardon the pun). How does one know if a conversation can continue while both participants are attending to...well, their royal subjects??

I also like to know who I'm in the bathroom with, so I have this habit of noticing the shoes of the person in the next stall. If it's someone I recognize and am friendly with, I'll usually totally spook them out by saying in a whispered ghost voice, "Hiiii, Jennnnn!" Nine times out of ten, the person knows it's me, because after all, who else would be so incredibly ridiculous to try to scare someone in a bathroom stall? But, I also like to know if the head boss of our office is in the next stall, so that I can refrain from creating any unpleasantness in her presence.

Which brings me to the next and final issue. When is it okay to pinch the loaf, drop off the kids, drop a bomb? Must one wait until the entire bathroom is empty, or can you assume that since everyone poos, everyone will be understanding of your poo? I have tried the "waiting it out" game, only to find that inevitably five people enter the bathroom while I'm holding the kids at bay. One time, I waited so patiently for someone to leave the bathroom that they evidently didn't know I was in there, and they turned the light out on me when they left. I had to do some serious "holding in", get myself in order, leave the stall to turn the light back on, and then get back to business. Yeesh. I've also tried the "wait till the person next to you flushes" routine, but timing the exercise with someone else's flushing habit can be tricky. And still, the odoriferousness issue is still present. I've been told about doing a "courtesy flush" if you're in the middle of a poo when someone enters the bathroom, although I imagine the offensive aroma has already permeated? Plus, I work for a conservation organization, so wasting water seems a bit blasphemous to me. Lately, I've been doing a combination of "wait it out" and "wait till they flush" but I never really feel like I'm winning in the race for bathroom etiquette.

All in all, I'm starting to think there is really no good way of handling these situations, and so perhaps we just do what we have to do. Although, one method that, while hilarious, is partially effective is to literally wait until the bathroom is unoccupied. Several times I've been in the bathroom, heard the door open, then close, with no one enter. Once I've washed hands and left, a suspicious-looking lady, fraught with ants-in-the-pants harriedness, runs into the bathroom past me.

I guess that's one way of doing things.