Where's The Love?

My mother once told me that when you get to a certain age, you'll find that all your friends are getting married. A few years later, all your friends are having kids. Then, they're all getting divorced.

I've gotten to that certain age.

In the last two months, I've found that two sets of friends (who I never would have guessed would do so) are in the midst of divorce. Needless to say, it was pretty shocking to learn. While the reasons for the splits are different and varied, it's more the actual divorces that have left me reeling.

These aren't my first friends to get divorced. Actually, at least five of my friends have divorced or separated from their partners in the last five years. In nearly all the cases, I've been caught unawares that there had been any issues in the relationship, giving credence to the saying, "You never know what happens behind closed doors." However, the most recent divorces have resonated because of the length of time both couples have been married, the fact that they both have kids, and that I had never noticed signs that anything was wrong.

I'm not naive. I know that marriage is tough, people change as time goes on, or make bad choices, or maybe should never have gotten married in the first place. I know that some marriages just aren't ever going to work, or are so unhealthy that they shouldn't work. So, I'm not anti-divorce. I am the first to acknowledge that sometimes divorce is really necessary in order for one or both people to live a full and healthy life. But with the divore rate in our country reaching past 50%, I wonder what the major reasons for divorce are.

Adam has spent the last nine months as an Army JAG providing legal assistance to our servicemembers deployed in the Middle East, and a large part of his job has been counseling soldiers contemplating or in the midst of divorce. I asked him once what the primary reason is for the vast majority of his cases--married too young? chose the wrong person? people changed during the marriage? infidelity? Since the lives of servicemembers can differ in so many ways from those of civilians, their marriages and divorces may not represent a microcosm of the outside world. For example, some soldiers married someone they only knew for a few days, after having met them during their two-week R&R. Or, perhaps they got married simply to get additional pay for having a dependent, or married a friend or stranger to ensure that person receives benefits. With some exceptions, these types of arrangements almost seemed doomed for failure. Then, there are the other marriages that just haven't been able to stand the long separations endured through multiple deployments in wartime.

But what about the rest of us? Evidently, the most-cited reason is differences of opinion about money, although most couples file for divorce under the general term "irreconcilable differences," which I suppose could mean anything. While infidelity is a biggie, very few couples report abuse as a reason for splitting.

I think my biggest question about divorce is when the love between the couples ends. So many people seem to really hate their spouse as divorce proceedings go forth, and I wonder how the same happily smiling couple in wedding photos can, just years later, be bitterly fighting over assets, kids and arrangements. I guess it's the stuff of movies (a la "The War of the Roses"). But in the real world, how do two people who love each other get to such a hateful place? Where does the love go?

I realize that this post potentially makes me seem naive or even judgemental, and I truly don't mean to come across as either. As I said before, I believe that there is a place for divorce, because people might not belong together for a variety of reasons. I just wonder how two people who really did feel love for each other at some point get to a place where neither wants to even be in the same room. There is a saying that there's a thin line between love and hate, that the same passion that drives you to hate someone could also drive you to love them.

I wonder if sometimes, people mistake one emotion for the other.