A few weeks ago, I had a couple girlfriends and their daughters over for a mama-baby playdate. After a summer-fresh snack of strawberries and cream, I noticed one of my friends jumped up to clear my dishes from the table, proceeding to wash and stack them at my kitchen sink. When I tried to protest, she responded, "I know you're not really a single mother, but you kind of are right now...and I know that you must be overwhelmed, so I want to help you where I can." All at once, I was touched by her kind consideration, and also surprised that my friends see me as a single mother. Yes, I feel sorry for myself sometimes when I can't participate in events that aren't child-friendly, or when Adam misses out on Bryony's first swim or dance class. But single mother?
In the last month or so, an elderly man on my street has been walking by my front yard to chat when he sees me working in the garden. I'm usually wary of talking to strangers on my street, but he introduced Bryony and me to his 2-year old granddaughter, and he generally seems nice. The last time he came by, he asked me if I owned my house and if I needed him to do any yard work. When I thanked him and told him I was fine and pretty self-sufficient, he walked away with the parting words, "Let me know if I can do anything to help you." It only dawned on me a day or so later that his family must be new to the neighborhood, and since he's never seen Adam, he must assume I'm a struggling single mother raising my daughter on my own. Again, I was really touched and surprised. But then I realized that it bothered me a little that people think of me as a single mother. Evidently it irks me more than I care to admit, because I now realize that I make a point of mentioning Bryony's daddy when I'm at her daycare or one of her activities. I actively try to make it clear that I'm not a single mother.
Why? I consider myself a pretty open-minded and accepting person. Why would I care if the world views me as a single mother? I've never thought that I looked disparagingly upon single mothers, so why would it bother me to be confused as one? Results from a nationwide Pew Research survey suggest that while America has become more accepting of mixed-race families, gay parents and unmarried parents, we still have a problem with the idea of single women raising children. NPR's Talk of the Nation did a call-in segment on this study soon after its release. I remember being in my bedroom, folding clothes, and feeling absolutely livid that people actually think that single mothers are bad for America (as the survey reported). Seriously? Single mother after single mother (some single mothers by choice, others by circumstance) called in, repulsed by the idea that our nation is judging them for raising their kids the best way they know how. One woman called in, asserting that it was interesting how the survey asked respondents, "Do you think that single mothers are bad for society?" but not "Do you think that men who abandon their children are bad for society?" Why did the survey phrase the questions to directly target the women who have assumed the responsibility of raising their children, instead of gearing them toward the men who have skirted theirs? Then there was a caller who had actually received and responded to the survey. When asked if she felt that "single mothers are bad for society?" she said that she interpreted the question not as blaming the women, but rather saying that single parenting is unfairly hard on mothers, and society does little to help them. Interestingly, the survey did not ask respondents how they felt about single fathers. Single fathers called into the show, too, noting that they have felt that society has underestimated their abilities to raise their children since people don't think of fathers as nurturing figures by nature.
One of the more interesting experiences that one woman spoke of is feeling ostracized by other parents at her child's school--not getting invited to social gatherings, and having a hard time finding friends amongst married couples. Some married parents won't allow their children to play with the child of a single mother for religious or moral reasons (crazy!). I have had the exact opposite experience amongst my peers--Bryony and I get included in more social gatherings than I can keep up with and my friends offer their help and love beyond my expectations. But is this because they know that I do have a husband, that there is a father in the picture? Perhaps his military service means that it's not my "fault" that I'm in my current situation. Now, I have no doubt that the people who I call friends would never judge me regardless of my situation or the reasons behind it, but still, it's an interesting thought.
Why do Americans think that single mothers are bad for society? And why have I flinched--even a little--by the suggestion that I am one, even for a little while? Perhaps our country has not come as far as we think we have in terms of the way we view women and their role in society--what women are capable of, responsible for, and worthy of. Perhaps I am not as free-thinking as I thought I was, and yes, I need to work on that. Why not let my friend wash my dishes for me, or let the old man in the neighborhood help me with my yardwork? Why not take on this new label, and wear it, own it? I am a single mother, at least for now, and it is great to have extra help. And it's great to have the one-on-one bonding time with my daughter. And no, there doesn't have to a stigma attached to being a single mother, or to the reason that I am one. Being a good mother, single or not, is the most important factor in raising my kid.
After all, rumor has it that a single mother can raise the future President of the United States.
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