Now that I have been in both roles, I have started to think a lot about the big debate regarding stay-at-home-mothers versus those mothers who work outside the home. Many years before I even became a mother, I saw Dr. Phil on an episode of "Oprah" as he moderated a very heated exchange. If I remember correctly, the audience was divided into SAHMs on one side, and "working mothers" (all mothers work, but I must mean this in terms of working outside the home) on the other. The arguments were bitter and mean and the women were spitting venom at each other as insults ranged from "Stay-at-home-mothers have no ambition to do anything with their lives!" to "Working mothers care more about their promotion potential than they do about raising their kids!" It was fierce, and awful, and I was left thinking...Why are women doing this to ourselves?
I feel like I have the good fortune to see both perspectives, since I was a full-time mum for two years, and have recently returned to the outside working world. In the two years that I was at home with Bryony, I was torn between loving the close connection I shared with the little human being I'd created, and wanting to return to the work I have passion for, and had worked so hard to be accredited in. At to the feelings of longing for my profession, being at home with her was hard work. Anyone who thinks otherwise hasn't got a clue. Never in my life have I been so utterly and completely at the whim of someone else's moods, desires, needs...and acting on her whims when I had had very little sleep the night before, because I'd gotten up three or four times when she'd awoken, screaming. Then, there was still housework, chores and errands to accomplish with a little one who wanted my undivided attention at all times...even when she was sleeping! Add to that the stress of wanting to teach my child all the age-appropriate things she should know, and feeling completely inept as mothers in our playgroups would talk about the impressive things their children had learned. Being a parent is overwhelming and difficult and lovely and heartbreaking and breathtaking. Being one full-time, every single minute of the day, is all those things times fifty.
And so, now I've returned to my profession, and my daughter at two years old, has started "school." Does this mean I don't love her as much as SAHM love their kids, or as much as I loved her when I stayed at home? I won't even dignify such an assertion with an answer. I drop her off at 8:15am so she can eat breakfast with her classmates (she loves this so much she refuses to eat breakfast with me in the mornings, but rather tries to pull me out of the house so she can get to school!). I arrive at work by 8:30am, and I've recently decided to cut my lunch hour short so I can leave work a few minutes early...I'm out the door by 4:15pm, and at her school to pick her up before 4:30pm. Every single time I walk through the door, I find my daughter happily reading books with her teacher, riding on tricycles or playing with a group of other children. She is happy, even though I have missed her all day long, and feel my heart twist a bit that she is doing so well without me. So, knowing that the time we have to spend with each other each day has been considerably shortened, I try to make the most of what we have. Dinners are quick and easy so I can spend more time playing with Bryony, rather than pushing her aside to chop, stir and saute. We take more trips to the park and read even more books than before. We garden together. We tickle each other and laugh a lot about nothing. We talk about stuff that likely neither of us really understands. We make the most of the time we've got. It's hard and it hurts, but it's the price I pay for being the person I need to be--a mother and an ecologist. I think my kid is doing okay.
So, what gives, ladies? Until you've walked in someone else's shoes, lived their life, how can you possibly judge the decision they've made for their family? We are all different with varying issues and life circumstances, and at the end of the day, the only life any of us gets a say-so over (or should have an opinion about) is our own. Instead of bickering and squabbling over who the better mother is, we should be joining together to find ways to support each other, insofar as we SAHM and working mothers can. Besides, the way I see it, all of us women have enough to deal with under our male-dominated society without sparring with each other. Don't bring a sister (or mother) down, yo.
2 comments:
First off, congrats on the new job! I'm sure you posted that on FB, but seeing as how I hardly check it, I obviously didn't know the good news until now.
Second, I have always been shocked by the animosity b/t working moms and SAHMs.I think we women know what works best for us individually, as well as what works best for our families, so why should we assume that what works for us would work for another? I respect those who work (outside the home), and admire their ability to strike a balance, but I'm also grateful that I can stay home w/ the kiddos. Again, though, that's what works for my family.
YES, my friend! That's exactly the point I was trying to make. Everyone has to do what's best for their family, and as one person so wisely put it, "Just because a woman stays home with her kids, doesn't necessarily mean she's a GOOD mum, and just because a woman goes out to work everyday, doesn't mean she's a BAD one." I don't think any of us really needs to put ourselves in a position where she should be judging what other people do for themselves or their kids.
And, by the way, thinking of you as you come up on your impending second bout of motherhood! And, thanks for the job congrats!
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