Pieces of You

A couple days ago, Bryony and I were waiting in line at the local library to check out some books. A woman, with three small children in tow, was in front us speaking wearily to the circulation desk attendant. In short, the woman had come in to explain that she had no way of proving that she lived at her residence because, as she put it, "everything is in my husband's name, even my student loans." The librarian was sympathetic and obviously trying to work with the woman, but it made issuing the woman a library card difficult.

I listened to the exchange with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I was trying so hard not to judge this woman. Perhaps her husband had moved to town ahead of her and that's why everything was in his name, or maybe there was simply another perfectly reasonable explanation. But, all I could think of was the fact that their situation made it difficult for this woman to obtain something as basic as a library card. I felt sad.

Since then, I've started reflecting on how women sometimes navigate within the realms of married life. Often, I think that married women bring a lot of the same misguided ideas about relationships from their teenage years--giving up precious time, friendships, hobbies, etc. for their boyfriends--to their adult relationships. However, as a married woman, freely giving up pieces of oneself for a legal partner can have so many more repurcussions, financially, socially and emotionally. I am not trying to pick on or criticize any one decision that a woman might make. It's more of an overall thought that because she's married, she no longer needs to worry about her personal finances, or retaining her personal independence (as in, being able to get a library card by herself), or even social independence (having friends other than your husband's friends and their spouses). Regardless of whether a woman goes to an office everyday or stays at home with children, I believe that there is a great potential to loosen the reigns on keeping track of one's own identity, something that men rarely struggle with.

I've gotten flack from family and friends alike for the fact that I didn't change my last name when I got married; it's even a point of some tension with Adam. Besides the fact that I got married at 30 years old and not 20, and so I felt I had established myself professionally, financially, socially and personally with my maiden name, I also felt a strong desire to not be bullied into adhering to social norms. I think many people feel like I chose not to change my name just for the sheer purpose of "bucking the system" or "showing society!" but my decision really ran so much deeper than that. Most men in our culture could not even imagine changing their name for a woman, not just because it's against social norms, but because of an overt sense of patriarchal dominance. I've heard men (who consider themselves fairly open-minded) say things like, "I'll bet that schmuck even took his wife's last name" to refer to a man they consider "wussy" or "lacking cajones." How many times have you heard a man refer to another man by "Mr. (Wife's Maiden Name)" when he's trying to imply that the guy has been emasculated by his wife? So, if men consider honoring their wife by taking her last name as a sign of weakness (or a sign of femininity, which then equals weakness?), then how do they view the women who do it for them? Adam would say that I'm just overthinking this, but I don't think that I am (at least, not for myself). I feel just as strongly about the identity that I have established in the last 30+ years as Adam feels about the one he established before getting married. Yet, simply because I'm a woman, I'm supposed to freely give up my name and all that comes with it? I was not any less interested in maintaining my identity when I got married than any man would have been. Similarly, I am no less married by not having changed my name than a woman who did.

Planning. Many people who feel that not combining all your finances or a woman not changing her name are signals that you are "preparing for a divorce in the future." I think that's ludicrous. I think that people who are thoughtful enough about these issues are probably also thoughtful enough to consider why they're getting married in the first place. Thinking about what your priorities are and whether they fit within the realms of marriage seem like indications of a future successful marriage, not harbingers of divorce. And it's not just divorce that could be on the horizon, anyway. What if a husband is traumatically injured beyond the ability to work again? Or what if he dies? These are situations that could catch a woman off-guard if she is not actively involved in (or at least, knowledgeable about) the family finances. And a benefit to keeping some finances separated? In our litigation-happy society, if a husband gets sued, anything jointly owned could become part of a settlement. Theoretically, a wife's assets could be pursued as well, but it could be a lot more difficult if they are in her name only. And then, what if the "Big D" comes down the pipeline? As one woman said to me, "I'm realistic enough to realize that while my husband and I love each other very much, circumstances change and we might not feel the same way 30 years from now." Is it so wrong to make sure that you have taken care of yourself as much as he has, in case things don't work out happily ever after?

As I said before, I'm not judging any particular decision a woman--or couple, for that matter--makes for herself or themselves. The deeper issue, I think, is the mentality that is behind many of the decisions that women make for themselves once they're married. The goals of the husband and the couple itself, should be just as much oriented toward the wife's personal success as her goals are oriented toward her husband's and marriage's success. I fear that many women lose track of the "taking care of themselves" part of the relationship. Without that part, you run the risk of losing yourself in pursuit of making the marriage work. Perhaps I overcompensate too much; I admit it. I recognize I'm outside the norm and that this in itself has the potential to introduce conflict. But, I stand firm in my belief that having a healthy, strong sense of self (and supporting that with good financial and personal decisions) is the best way for me to contribute to a successful marriage. Not to mention, to check out some awesome books from the library.