Ten Things You Didn't Know About Me (But Now You Do)

1. I close my eyes when I brush my teeth

2. I can spend hours working on crossword puzzles

3. Sometimes I still say good-night to Shabbi and Kika before I go to bed

4. A very close friend stopped talking to me five months ago, for no apparent reason

5. I just made my first Group On purchase and feel like I've finally entered the cyber age

6. My worst faults are that I am envious and I hold grudges

7. I have incredible aspirations that I have convinced myself I will not let go unaccomplished

8. I call my mother and sister 3-5 times a week

9. I never wanted to have kids, but I'm enjoying motherhood far more than I could have ever expected

10. Adam's pet name for me is Wacky Dame

Cultural Snippets

In Michigan (as my fellow Michiganders are well aware), it is common practice to remove one's shoes as soon as one enters someone's house. This is mostly done in the winter when boots are likely to be tracking in dirty snow and ice, or the dripping goop of melted winter fun. However, many of us carry the shoes-off tradition into summer, too, removing any footwear that could possibly track signs of the outside onto someone's pristine carpet, wood or tile. I guess it's a Michigan thing (or an upper Midwest thing).

This tradition is evidently engrained in me, to the point that I removed my shoes when visiting as a guest in the homes of Texas hosts. Yes, Texas, where summer high temperatures reach well past 100 degrees, and winter lows are usually hovering in the mid-50s. Snow, ice and freezing temps are rarities. And yet, my bare feet walked across many a Texas carpets, much to the surprise and (apparent) disdain of my hosts. In Texas, it is evidently rude and presumptuous to think that you can walk around in someone's home without shoes on. I mean, Really!, who does she think she is???

I tried to explain the culture clash but it seemed to fall on deaf (and maybe bewildered) ears. Note to self: carry a pair of slippers next time.

Home

T = 8 Hours

Reunion is imminent :-)

Ever After?

My daughter is a nut for Thomas the Tank Engine. Sometimes her obsession feels like the bane of my existence, as she cries, begs and pleads for him and his tank engine friends--Gordon, James, Percy and Henry. I had once promised myself that no child of mine would ever become beholden to a copyrighted character brand, but that was before I knew the power of marketing and peer pressure.

Just when I think that I'm about to lose it with her whole Thomas fanaticism, I thank my lucky stars that she's infatuated with a train, whose primary goal in life is to be "Really Useful," emphasizing hard work, teamwork and being a good friend. There's nothing about Thomas that concentrates on beauty, waiting for love with other tank engines, or gauging personal value through arbitrary traits.

A few weeks ago, I gave a coworker some fabric that I had been storing for several years with no real plans of using. Knowing she is a gifted seamstress, I thought she might want some nice fabric. Upon seeing the fabric, her first comment was, "I could make your little girl a great little princess costume." Knowing Bryony would rather be pulling the chain of a train whistle than sitting on a thrown in a magical castle, I politely responded, "I didn't bring the fabric for you to make something for my daughter. It's for you to use for whatever you want." But, she persisted, going into detail about what kind of fairy princess outfit she could make for my kid. Inwardly, I winced at the idea. How is it the first thought that came to the mind of my smart, independent, forward-thinking coworker is to dress my daughter up as a princess? However, I delicately said to her, "Actually, Bryony is not much for princesses and fairies. And to be honest, I'm kind of glad about that. She can strive to be a train conductor one day; the chances of her becoming a princess or a fairy are pretty slim." She smiled ruefully and admitted that she should have known better. She went on to describe her frustration with her own nieces who have gone from spunky, curious and brave little girls full of wonder to clothes-obsessed "princesses" whose ambitions in life are to be fashionistas who marry rich.

I've been thinking a lot about the princess phenomenon that seems to be rampant these days. At Halloween, boys were dressed as firemen, ghouls and goblins, superheroes, and Harry Potter. However, I witnessed girl after girl dressed as some variation of a princess or fairy. Even the so-called witches were pretty and princess-like. Why have we propogated the notion to our little girls that the only thing they can be--or, that is worth being--is a beautiful princess? We wonder how our girls are five years old and worrying about being fat. Or, how they are increasingly wearing revealing clothing and trying to appeal to boys at ever younger ages. We like to point the finger at Victoria's Secret, fashion magazines with too-skinny models, and pop culture in general. While I think they all carry their share of the blame, I think we are missing one vital piece. Have we forgotten the whole premise of the "princess syndrome"? In the end, the traditional princess is recognized by the prince for her exquisite beauty (which is usually characterized by long, blonde hair and a svelte waistline) and she lives happily ever after with the man who has ultimately rescued her. Is this the story we want our little girls to model their behavior upon? Beauty being defined by external traits, seeking self-worth from the attentions of a man, and living happily into the future because he has rescued her? What happened to strong, adventurous, free-spirited girls maturing into the bold women of tomorrow? When did we start re-teaching our girls to just be pretty and wait around for a guy? Isn't that the stuff of yesteryear?

A friend recently passed a copy of the Christian Science Monitor on to me. The front page article referenced the current push toward oversexualizing little girls and the craze surrounding the Disney princesses, and the possibility that the two go hand-in-hand. While skimming through the article, I was most disturbed by the story of the mother whose daughter had become the typical princess-obsessed little girl. Her mother noticed that her expressive, rambunctious little girl increasingly gave up activity for dresses and sitting around to "wait for her prince to come." Her mother promptly started making new decisions about what role princesses would play in her daughter's playtime. She also started a blog about what the princess culture in our society is doing to our girls.

I know full well as I write this blog post that some of you who are reading are mothers of little girls, and your daughters are happily acting out the fantasy of the princess life. I don't actually have a problem with role-playing, fantasy or princesses at all, at least not in theory. I think there is a time and place for all of these things. My concern is that not only are little girls increasingly only playing the role of princess during their play (to the exclusion of all other possibilities), but that this pretend play is starting to infiltrate their reality. Do we ever hear of legions of boys who gravitate toward only one possible male character? If we encourage our sons to explore many different role models and characters, why are we allowing our daughters to myopically focus on just one, particularly one that offers so little in character development and self-esteem building?

I recognize that the days of Bryony loving only Thomas and Friends will likely come to an end far too soon, and she will very possibly start the transgression over toward the princess fantasy. I know it will be a difficult thing for me, as her mother, to gauge what is healthy pretend play and what isn't. And I know, that someday, I will really, really miss the familiar toot! toot! of Thomas echoing through our house. After all, it could be my daughter conducting that tank engine. The chances of her being the next crowned princess are far less likely. Thank goodness.

Thanksgiving Snippets

One year, while in New York City, Adam and I decided to donate our collective holiday goodwill to a local soup kitchen. What better way to be appreciative for all that we have than to give our time to help those in need...right?

Not so much, evidently. We were rejected. The girl took one look at us, told us they had enough help and then shut the door in our faces.

These birds haven't ever tried to be that altruistic again. Well, at least not on Thanksgiving Day.

Gobble.

Where's The Love?

My mother once told me that when you get to a certain age, you'll find that all your friends are getting married. A few years later, all your friends are having kids. Then, they're all getting divorced.

I've gotten to that certain age.

In the last two months, I've found that two sets of friends (who I never would have guessed would do so) are in the midst of divorce. Needless to say, it was pretty shocking to learn. While the reasons for the splits are different and varied, it's more the actual divorces that have left me reeling.

These aren't my first friends to get divorced. Actually, at least five of my friends have divorced or separated from their partners in the last five years. In nearly all the cases, I've been caught unawares that there had been any issues in the relationship, giving credence to the saying, "You never know what happens behind closed doors." However, the most recent divorces have resonated because of the length of time both couples have been married, the fact that they both have kids, and that I had never noticed signs that anything was wrong.

I'm not naive. I know that marriage is tough, people change as time goes on, or make bad choices, or maybe should never have gotten married in the first place. I know that some marriages just aren't ever going to work, or are so unhealthy that they shouldn't work. So, I'm not anti-divorce. I am the first to acknowledge that sometimes divorce is really necessary in order for one or both people to live a full and healthy life. But with the divore rate in our country reaching past 50%, I wonder what the major reasons for divorce are.

Adam has spent the last nine months as an Army JAG providing legal assistance to our servicemembers deployed in the Middle East, and a large part of his job has been counseling soldiers contemplating or in the midst of divorce. I asked him once what the primary reason is for the vast majority of his cases--married too young? chose the wrong person? people changed during the marriage? infidelity? Since the lives of servicemembers can differ in so many ways from those of civilians, their marriages and divorces may not represent a microcosm of the outside world. For example, some soldiers married someone they only knew for a few days, after having met them during their two-week R&R. Or, perhaps they got married simply to get additional pay for having a dependent, or married a friend or stranger to ensure that person receives benefits. With some exceptions, these types of arrangements almost seemed doomed for failure. Then, there are the other marriages that just haven't been able to stand the long separations endured through multiple deployments in wartime.

But what about the rest of us? Evidently, the most-cited reason is differences of opinion about money, although most couples file for divorce under the general term "irreconcilable differences," which I suppose could mean anything. While infidelity is a biggie, very few couples report abuse as a reason for splitting.

I think my biggest question about divorce is when the love between the couples ends. So many people seem to really hate their spouse as divorce proceedings go forth, and I wonder how the same happily smiling couple in wedding photos can, just years later, be bitterly fighting over assets, kids and arrangements. I guess it's the stuff of movies (a la "The War of the Roses"). But in the real world, how do two people who love each other get to such a hateful place? Where does the love go?

I realize that this post potentially makes me seem naive or even judgemental, and I truly don't mean to come across as either. As I said before, I believe that there is a place for divorce, because people might not belong together for a variety of reasons. I just wonder how two people who really did feel love for each other at some point get to a place where neither wants to even be in the same room. There is a saying that there's a thin line between love and hate, that the same passion that drives you to hate someone could also drive you to love them.

I wonder if sometimes, people mistake one emotion for the other.