I think I'm in the "taking stock" phase of my life right now, as I'm going over what my life has been like thus far. I've started to have a lot of memories (childhood, teenage, young adult, not-too-distant) come back to visit me again as I'm about to leave one aspect of my life behind to assume another. It's a very internal process, but one (surprise, surprise) I'm willing to share. Here are just a few of the memories that have cropped up in the last few days or minutes...
When I was two years old, my parents had my sister and me baptized at the Catholic church we had just started attending. I didn't feel like being baptized that particular day, and was annoyed to have a strange priest holding me up in front of a crowd of people I didn't know. I decided that I would repay the favor to my folks by screaming bloody murder as the water came cascading over my forehead. I wasn't really scared or uncomfortable. I was just pissed.
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Ten years ago, I cried all the way through my best friend Katie's wedding. I was one of her bridesmaids, so all the pictures of me have me looking like I just witnessed a horrible kindergarten bus accident. And I actually knew and loved her husband; I was just a total sap about my friend getting married.
_____________
When I was twelve or thirteen, I found a female cat with a litter of kittens hiding in the sewer in the cul-de-sac we lived on. I knew there was no way my parents would let me have a cat, but the idea of them starving was too much to bear. I snuck food from the dinner table into my napkin and took it outside to feed the hungry mother kitten. She never hissed or growled at me, just ate the pepper steak (before I was vegetarian) gratefully.
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My first day living in New York City, my parents and sister dropped me off in my new dorm room, where I was surrounded by a bunch of really sophisticated kids from the New York/New Jersey suburbs. Just as I was starting to wonder if I'd gotten in over my head coming to the big city, my new roommate handed me my first piece of mail. It was a card from my mother. She'd written a note inside that said, "I want to be just like you when I grow up!" That card is still in my scrapbook, some 14 years later.
_________________
My second date with Adam, he came to my place for pizza and a movie. He brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers, saying that if he'd asked me out when he'd wanted to (he didn't quite have his druthers) we would have been dating for Valentine's Day. So the flowers were a belated Valentine's Day gift. I was so swept away by this that I reached up to give him a big hug. Just as I was pulling back, he pulled me in for our first kiss. Best kiss ever. Period.
________________
When I was fourteen or fifteen, I was baby-sitting for the family a few doors down, and their two-year old refused to get changed into his pajamas for bed. As I was trying to lay down the law, he informed me in the most sinister voice I'd ever heard, "I'm going to tell my mommy and daddy you touched me down there!" My whole body went cold to think a little kid could blackmail me with such a horrible accusation. I tried not to let him know he'd scared me with that, but needless to say, he did not wear his pajamas to bed that night.
____________________
Fourth date with Adam, back at his apartment in Queens, I met Shabbi for the first time. I had brought a rawhide with me as a special treat to win her over. She was happy and jumped all over me to say thanks. When Adam suggested we take her for a nighttime stroll around the local park, we headed out to the car where Shabbi promptly jumped into the front passenger seat. Still wanting to show Adam that I was cool with his pup, I sat in the back of the car so Shabbi could sit up front with her main man.
_______________________
When I was three and my sister Shannon was two, she found an item of clothing in our closet that had a Disney label on the outside. Winnie-the-Pooh's picture was on the label, and my sister proudly pointed to it and told my mother and me, "That's a picture of Lauren from when she was a baby!"
_____________________
SO many happy memories of Adam, Shabbi, Kika and I at various parks. These are some of my most favorite memories.
_______________________
I guess that's all for now. It's late and I'm getting tired (and my back is killing me no matter how many yoga poses I do). Sleep tight.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Greg House and the Invasion of the Holstein Cow
Yesterday morning, Adam and I were lying in bed, chatting before rising to start our day. All of a sudden, we heard a big crash from the rear part of the house. While not exactly an everyday occurence, we've become accustomed to Greg House knocking over the garbage can to more easily rifle through it, knock various items off of shelves in his attempts to jump to the kitchen window, or just be a major pain in the arse in general. So this particular instance just had us rolling our eyes and shrugging, knowing we'd get to it when we got to it.
Just as we were about to continue our conversation, we heard Greg's pitiful cry echoing throughout the house, over and over again. We looked at each other; could he have hurt himself? Suddenly, images of him pinned underneath the garbage can or on the floor with a broken leg filled my head. I leapt out of bed as fast as my big self could, and ran into the kitchen. He was nowhere to be found.
"Greg?" I called out hesitantly. I was starting to be afraid of what I'd find.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a big white and black cat came racing into the kitchen, glanced at me over its shoulder, then hot-footed it down the basement stairs. Greg House came tearing after him, growling and meowing in the process. All my brain could compute was, The big holstein-cow-cat from the neighborhood is in my house! I ran out of the kitchen and started calling Adam.
"Ads! There's another cat in our house and Greg House just chased it down to the basement!" In pregnant-woman-speak, that meant Do something!
Adam jumped out of bed, ran to the kitchen, realized he didn't have his eyeglasses on so he couldn't see anything, yelled for me to find them for him, then grabbed them from me and rushed down to the basement. When he came back up, he informed me that both cats were gone. The Holstein cow had pushed in the screen of one of the windows to get into the house. A table that was conveniently located right beneath that window enabled both cats to jump back through the window to get outside.
Great. I wasn't worried about Greg House running away; he knows where his food comes from. I was more worried about him chasing this cat into the street and getting hit by a car, or getting into a fight with the cat and getting some kitty disease (our vets won't vaccinate him until his skin allergy is diagnosed and successfully treated). Just great.
I grabbed a handful of his food and dropped it into his bowl over and over again; the sound of the kibbles hitting the bowl always brings him back home. This time it was taking longer than usual, however. I was starting to get nervous. Adam called me from the front of the house a few minutes later, however. Greg had sauntered up to the front door as if just coming back from a hot night on the town. Like, What's up, bro? Adam immediately went down to the basement, restored the screen in the window, and removed the table from underneath to prevent any future breakouts.
This morning, Greg House woke me up around 6am for breakfast, but I pushed him off so I could sleep a few more winks. Usually he harasses me even more, so I was surprised by 6:37am, when Kika jumped off the bed to go outside, that Greg House wasn't right there, crying to be fed. Adam let Kika out and fed both kids. When I joined him in the kitchen, he informed me that when he let Kika out, he let Greg House in. "That little f-cker was out and about all night! He's still managing to jump out that basement window!"
I remembered that Greg had woken me up at 6am, so I feebly remarked that he hadn't been out all night, just the last half hour. Adam grunted a reply and shook his head at our boy as he snarfed down his kibbles.
Just great.
Just as we were about to continue our conversation, we heard Greg's pitiful cry echoing throughout the house, over and over again. We looked at each other; could he have hurt himself? Suddenly, images of him pinned underneath the garbage can or on the floor with a broken leg filled my head. I leapt out of bed as fast as my big self could, and ran into the kitchen. He was nowhere to be found.
"Greg?" I called out hesitantly. I was starting to be afraid of what I'd find.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a big white and black cat came racing into the kitchen, glanced at me over its shoulder, then hot-footed it down the basement stairs. Greg House came tearing after him, growling and meowing in the process. All my brain could compute was, The big holstein-cow-cat from the neighborhood is in my house! I ran out of the kitchen and started calling Adam.
"Ads! There's another cat in our house and Greg House just chased it down to the basement!" In pregnant-woman-speak, that meant Do something!
Adam jumped out of bed, ran to the kitchen, realized he didn't have his eyeglasses on so he couldn't see anything, yelled for me to find them for him, then grabbed them from me and rushed down to the basement. When he came back up, he informed me that both cats were gone. The Holstein cow had pushed in the screen of one of the windows to get into the house. A table that was conveniently located right beneath that window enabled both cats to jump back through the window to get outside.
Great. I wasn't worried about Greg House running away; he knows where his food comes from. I was more worried about him chasing this cat into the street and getting hit by a car, or getting into a fight with the cat and getting some kitty disease (our vets won't vaccinate him until his skin allergy is diagnosed and successfully treated). Just great.
I grabbed a handful of his food and dropped it into his bowl over and over again; the sound of the kibbles hitting the bowl always brings him back home. This time it was taking longer than usual, however. I was starting to get nervous. Adam called me from the front of the house a few minutes later, however. Greg had sauntered up to the front door as if just coming back from a hot night on the town. Like, What's up, bro? Adam immediately went down to the basement, restored the screen in the window, and removed the table from underneath to prevent any future breakouts.
This morning, Greg House woke me up around 6am for breakfast, but I pushed him off so I could sleep a few more winks. Usually he harasses me even more, so I was surprised by 6:37am, when Kika jumped off the bed to go outside, that Greg House wasn't right there, crying to be fed. Adam let Kika out and fed both kids. When I joined him in the kitchen, he informed me that when he let Kika out, he let Greg House in. "That little f-cker was out and about all night! He's still managing to jump out that basement window!"
I remembered that Greg had woken me up at 6am, so I feebly remarked that he hadn't been out all night, just the last half hour. Adam grunted a reply and shook his head at our boy as he snarfed down his kibbles.
Just great.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Adam Did This
From time to time, Adam points at my belly and proudly says, in his best nine-year old voice, "I did that!" Last night I let him take a picture of his accomplishment.
The Toad Prince
Just a few hours after writing yesterday's post about all my backyard nature goings-on, look who I found hanging out under the stairs to our back porch. I wanted to kiss him but Adam told me I'd already scored the prince of all princes in him, so alas! I set this little guy free to delight some other young woman's life...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Welcome, Lucy Kavin!
Just a quick shout out to yet another beautiful baby born--Lucy Kavin, born to my very good childhood friends Katie and Nevin. Adam and I are so deliriously happy for the entire family and can't wait to visit with you all soon!
Much love!
Much love!
The Birds and The Bees
I recognize that I am part of a very small handful of people--in fact, I might be the only person--who actually cares about the following, but I thought that I would write about it anyway. It actually seems appropo in so many ways considering all the fertility and fecundity that's occurring all around (and inside) me...
The last two weeks have met me with many signs of spring. Behind our house we have a huge,~80-ft tall weeping willow tree (which I love love love, because weeping willows always intrigued me as a child, and I desperately wanted one and am so glad to have one now). It's really old, as Mrs. G., who's lived in the neighborhood for 40+ years, said it was just as tall when she moved in as it is now. Adam despises it because of all the branches and leaves that it showers on our garage and backyard; I love it because of the wetland microcosm that it provides in our backyard.
Just 3 weeks ago, I heard the first sounds of the American Toad calling from the wetland area surrounding the willow tree. Their calls fill the night air with a constant flutter of chirps, and honestly made me feel a little less lonely prior to Adam's arrival home. Once he came home, it was nice to share the first signs of spring with him, even if he does still hate that willow tree.
Two weeks ago, I started hearing the familiar but rather uncommon (at least to my yard) call of the White-throated sparrow. One can't mistake the "Ollllllld-Saaaaaaaaam-Peabody-Peabody-Peabody" call of this little guy. He's been an annual treat to my backyard for the last three years, singing his heart out for a few days as he passes through on his way further north for the summer. His call is one that is so easily imitated, that I will often whistle back to him to see if he'll take the audio "bait". It's a fun game, but one that I happily lose.
Last week, upon arriving home from work, Adam and I were about to get out of the car when I saw a little yellow bird flitting through the immature white pine in my backyard. I cautioned Adam not to get out of the car just yet; instead, we waited for the little one to get closer, and to my great pleasure and surprise, I found it was a Yellow Warbler! While not rare by any means, I've never had the pleasure of seeing one in my backyard, so it was extremely exciting for me. Adam humored me for a few minutes, but I do believe that even he was a little excited by the sighting of a till-then-unseen bird in our backyard. I'm starting to think our little piece of the rock offers more habitat than I've previously thought.
Yesterday, while sitting outside, I noticed a big fat fox squirrel jumping from limb to limb amongst the trees. I suppose he was getting too close to a grackle nest, however, because a pair started dive-bombing and attacking this squirrel to no end. I was rivited by this scene of backyard wildlife in action. The squirrel seemed to be mocking the threatening advances of the grackles, laughing as they shrieked, panic-stricken as he invaded their territory. Eventually the scene played out and all was quiet again.
I guess I should mention something about bees since I've exhausted discussion on birds...the bumblebees are in full force now. They are all over my weed-infested lawn, perpetuating more weeds for my ever-so-grateful neighbors. I have every intention of digging up the weeds, planting native Michigan flowers and watching my little backyard ecosytem flourish, but for now, limited mobility and increased fatigure are taking hold. Until I regain a bit of my bodily independence and energy, I'll have to enjoy my surprisingly active ecosystem for now.
The last two weeks have met me with many signs of spring. Behind our house we have a huge,~80-ft tall weeping willow tree (which I love love love, because weeping willows always intrigued me as a child, and I desperately wanted one and am so glad to have one now). It's really old, as Mrs. G., who's lived in the neighborhood for 40+ years, said it was just as tall when she moved in as it is now. Adam despises it because of all the branches and leaves that it showers on our garage and backyard; I love it because of the wetland microcosm that it provides in our backyard.
Just 3 weeks ago, I heard the first sounds of the American Toad calling from the wetland area surrounding the willow tree. Their calls fill the night air with a constant flutter of chirps, and honestly made me feel a little less lonely prior to Adam's arrival home. Once he came home, it was nice to share the first signs of spring with him, even if he does still hate that willow tree.
Two weeks ago, I started hearing the familiar but rather uncommon (at least to my yard) call of the White-throated sparrow. One can't mistake the "Ollllllld-Saaaaaaaaam-Peabody-Peabody-Peabody" call of this little guy. He's been an annual treat to my backyard for the last three years, singing his heart out for a few days as he passes through on his way further north for the summer. His call is one that is so easily imitated, that I will often whistle back to him to see if he'll take the audio "bait". It's a fun game, but one that I happily lose.
Last week, upon arriving home from work, Adam and I were about to get out of the car when I saw a little yellow bird flitting through the immature white pine in my backyard. I cautioned Adam not to get out of the car just yet; instead, we waited for the little one to get closer, and to my great pleasure and surprise, I found it was a Yellow Warbler! While not rare by any means, I've never had the pleasure of seeing one in my backyard, so it was extremely exciting for me. Adam humored me for a few minutes, but I do believe that even he was a little excited by the sighting of a till-then-unseen bird in our backyard. I'm starting to think our little piece of the rock offers more habitat than I've previously thought.
Yesterday, while sitting outside, I noticed a big fat fox squirrel jumping from limb to limb amongst the trees. I suppose he was getting too close to a grackle nest, however, because a pair started dive-bombing and attacking this squirrel to no end. I was rivited by this scene of backyard wildlife in action. The squirrel seemed to be mocking the threatening advances of the grackles, laughing as they shrieked, panic-stricken as he invaded their territory. Eventually the scene played out and all was quiet again.
I guess I should mention something about bees since I've exhausted discussion on birds...the bumblebees are in full force now. They are all over my weed-infested lawn, perpetuating more weeds for my ever-so-grateful neighbors. I have every intention of digging up the weeds, planting native Michigan flowers and watching my little backyard ecosytem flourish, but for now, limited mobility and increased fatigure are taking hold. Until I regain a bit of my bodily independence and energy, I'll have to enjoy my surprisingly active ecosystem for now.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Pre-Partum Ponderings
Despite popular opinion that I am only just now "coming up for air" since Adam's arrival back home last weekend (implying that somehow I've either been holding my breath for an entire week or else breathing some noxious fart air that he's produced), I've actually been working my butt off at my job. This was my last week at work before heading into maternity leave--today was the official first day--and things got incredibly busy as I tried to wrap up loose ends. Not to mention the fact that I've been getting crappy sleep lately, so I just haven't had the fortitude to come home and do any blogging in the evenings.
Things are starting to come down to the wire, though, and I am very well aware. A woman from my birth class just had her baby--2 weeks early--and my girlfriend Katie, the second in my little triumvirate of pregnant friends, just gave birth to her daughter today, also two weeks early. I'm getting a little panicky about this baby coming ahead of schedule considering Adam and I have nothing prepared. Our office is still in a shambles; not in a shambles of dismantling and moving, mind you, but rather in the constant state of shambles that it always seems to be in. So, crib is not assembled, office furniture is not moved out, living room furniture is still where office furniture will need to be moved to...you get the idea. We are utterly and hopelessly unprepared for the huge move that we will have to make in the next few days in anticipation of baby's arrival, and I'm getting pretty worked up over it.
I've also come to the realization that I've been worked up about some other things too. The other night, in yet another bout of my recent-onset-of-middle-of-the-night insomnia, I actually convinced myself that this whole pregnancy thing wasn't real, that it's all been a nine-month long dream, similar to the entire season of "Dallas" when we thought Bobby Ewing had been killed, only to discover that it had been Pamela's dream all along. So I had one of those moments, completely in denial that Ads and I had gotten ourselves into this situation, that our lives were going to change, that we'd have this huge responsibility in the very near future. One hand over my belly, however, told me it was no dream, and I started to panic. What the hell have we gotten ourselves into? When exactly did I sign up for this???
As push is coming to shove, I've realized my own fears surrounding the birth of the kid--I won't love my kid enough, I'm going to drop it or accidentally spill hot liquid on it and forever maim him/her. I've also realized my anxiety over how I feel I'm disappointing others with regard to the pregnancy. I know a lot of my girlfriends are surprised/disappointed by my seeming lack of enthusiasm about the baby coming. I think I let a lot of people down by specifically NOT registering and by not wanting a baby shower. That had more to do with preferring second-hand stuff and not wanting to consume raw materials from new items than it did with not being excited about baby, but I recognize that people seem to think one has to do with the other. I just don't want to sacrifice my own personal values simply because we're having a baby; I don't want to bring a baby into the world teaching it that people show their love by buying us things. I prefer to have good friends around who show their love by spending time with us; any second-hand items that folks are looking to get rid of are gratefully accepted, and the rest Ads and I will be responsible for getting ourselves. I spoke to my midwife about the feeling that 'I've let people down' by my actions and desires, and she reassured me that this is my pregnancy, and I have the latitude to decide how I want help. She suggested that when people ask me what it is that I need, I tell them "I'll need your company in a few months' time when I'm covered in spitup and poo, and I haven't spoken to another adult in days" or "I'd love for you to make me a simple meal because I don't have the energy or time to actually cook something edible that Adam and I could swallow." I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but I really don't want a bunch of store-bought gifts that we don't have room in our small house for anyway. I want from my friends what is most important--their time, love and friendship.
The other part--the seeming lack of enthusiasm--is kind of true, I suppose. Yesterday, my last day of work, was unexpectedly difficult for me, and I spent the entire evening afterward moping and feeling quite depressed. For the most part, when I've left a job in the past, it's been to start another job or to begin a new academic program. The current reason for leaving is such a different beast, and despite all my coworkers' well-wishes and encouragement, I found myself wanting to get up and head into the office this morning. I was grateful for the ability to sleep-in after yet another night of insomnia, but the feeling that I have no place to go, nothing to do, nothing to define what my day will be like, really hit home. I suppose I am very much the typical American in that way, as I guess I define myself by the academic/employment position that I hold. I just never knew that I felt that way until now. Even knowing that depresses me even more. Thing is, I'm not unhappy or depressed about baby arriving; I'm grieving the life that I've led all these years, which I know is going to change once baby arrives. I've spoken at length with Adam and my midwives about it, and they all agreed that it's completely normal. In fact, one midwife said she'd be more worried about me if I didn't seem a little anxious about the arrival of the baby and the big changes on the horizon. That made me feel better. But I still feel like a bad mum-to-be for not being completely and utterly over-the-moon about not running out with the girls for gin and tonics any random Saturday evening. I know that once baby is here, I will be over the moon about him/her; for now it's just hard to conceptualize.
So, these are just some of my contemplations, a little more private than I really thought I'd want to share, but hey, when have I ever held back before? I guess the one bright side is that there was a cute little red-haired baby at a nearby table during dinner tonight, and I couldn't keep my eyes off him. He couldn't seem to keep his eyes off me, either, so maybe that's the sign that babies like me, and I'll be a good mum someday soon. We'll see...
Things are starting to come down to the wire, though, and I am very well aware. A woman from my birth class just had her baby--2 weeks early--and my girlfriend Katie, the second in my little triumvirate of pregnant friends, just gave birth to her daughter today, also two weeks early. I'm getting a little panicky about this baby coming ahead of schedule considering Adam and I have nothing prepared. Our office is still in a shambles; not in a shambles of dismantling and moving, mind you, but rather in the constant state of shambles that it always seems to be in. So, crib is not assembled, office furniture is not moved out, living room furniture is still where office furniture will need to be moved to...you get the idea. We are utterly and hopelessly unprepared for the huge move that we will have to make in the next few days in anticipation of baby's arrival, and I'm getting pretty worked up over it.
I've also come to the realization that I've been worked up about some other things too. The other night, in yet another bout of my recent-onset-of-middle-of-the-night insomnia, I actually convinced myself that this whole pregnancy thing wasn't real, that it's all been a nine-month long dream, similar to the entire season of "Dallas" when we thought Bobby Ewing had been killed, only to discover that it had been Pamela's dream all along. So I had one of those moments, completely in denial that Ads and I had gotten ourselves into this situation, that our lives were going to change, that we'd have this huge responsibility in the very near future. One hand over my belly, however, told me it was no dream, and I started to panic. What the hell have we gotten ourselves into? When exactly did I sign up for this???
As push is coming to shove, I've realized my own fears surrounding the birth of the kid--I won't love my kid enough, I'm going to drop it or accidentally spill hot liquid on it and forever maim him/her. I've also realized my anxiety over how I feel I'm disappointing others with regard to the pregnancy. I know a lot of my girlfriends are surprised/disappointed by my seeming lack of enthusiasm about the baby coming. I think I let a lot of people down by specifically NOT registering and by not wanting a baby shower. That had more to do with preferring second-hand stuff and not wanting to consume raw materials from new items than it did with not being excited about baby, but I recognize that people seem to think one has to do with the other. I just don't want to sacrifice my own personal values simply because we're having a baby; I don't want to bring a baby into the world teaching it that people show their love by buying us things. I prefer to have good friends around who show their love by spending time with us; any second-hand items that folks are looking to get rid of are gratefully accepted, and the rest Ads and I will be responsible for getting ourselves. I spoke to my midwife about the feeling that 'I've let people down' by my actions and desires, and she reassured me that this is my pregnancy, and I have the latitude to decide how I want help. She suggested that when people ask me what it is that I need, I tell them "I'll need your company in a few months' time when I'm covered in spitup and poo, and I haven't spoken to another adult in days" or "I'd love for you to make me a simple meal because I don't have the energy or time to actually cook something edible that Adam and I could swallow." I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but I really don't want a bunch of store-bought gifts that we don't have room in our small house for anyway. I want from my friends what is most important--their time, love and friendship.
The other part--the seeming lack of enthusiasm--is kind of true, I suppose. Yesterday, my last day of work, was unexpectedly difficult for me, and I spent the entire evening afterward moping and feeling quite depressed. For the most part, when I've left a job in the past, it's been to start another job or to begin a new academic program. The current reason for leaving is such a different beast, and despite all my coworkers' well-wishes and encouragement, I found myself wanting to get up and head into the office this morning. I was grateful for the ability to sleep-in after yet another night of insomnia, but the feeling that I have no place to go, nothing to do, nothing to define what my day will be like, really hit home. I suppose I am very much the typical American in that way, as I guess I define myself by the academic/employment position that I hold. I just never knew that I felt that way until now. Even knowing that depresses me even more. Thing is, I'm not unhappy or depressed about baby arriving; I'm grieving the life that I've led all these years, which I know is going to change once baby arrives. I've spoken at length with Adam and my midwives about it, and they all agreed that it's completely normal. In fact, one midwife said she'd be more worried about me if I didn't seem a little anxious about the arrival of the baby and the big changes on the horizon. That made me feel better. But I still feel like a bad mum-to-be for not being completely and utterly over-the-moon about not running out with the girls for gin and tonics any random Saturday evening. I know that once baby is here, I will be over the moon about him/her; for now it's just hard to conceptualize.
So, these are just some of my contemplations, a little more private than I really thought I'd want to share, but hey, when have I ever held back before? I guess the one bright side is that there was a cute little red-haired baby at a nearby table during dinner tonight, and I couldn't keep my eyes off him. He couldn't seem to keep his eyes off me, either, so maybe that's the sign that babies like me, and I'll be a good mum someday soon. We'll see...
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