Usually an "ah-ha moment" (is that an Oprah-coined expression?) is one where you come to some great realization that leaves you feeling satisfied and encouraged by newfound information. I had an ah-ha moment, however, that left me feeling a little embarassed (especially since my moment was shared with a good friend) and dare I say, pathetic.
My girlfriend was over for dinner the other night, and we were discussing our mutual feelings of loneliness. I don't mean to be melodramatic or sympathy-seeking here; I have an incredible number of wonderful, caring and thoughtful friends, both in town and throughout the country who I can call anytime. That's not what I mean. I find myself lonely for the adult conversation you might encounter at a workplace. I'm lonely during the day, when my friends are at their office jobs, and I find myself singing children's folk tunes in a never-ending loop because high-pitched silly songs are what keep my little girl entertained. I'm lonely in those few moments right after I leave a friend's house, or a volunteer activity, or when visitors leave my house after a dinner party. I'm lonely when I hang up with Adam right before bedtime. It's just the general knowledge that I'm alone...well, not really alone, as there is Bryony. But, I'm devoid of adult interaction for much of the day and evening, and my house, even in its smallness, seems large and hollow and slightly intimidating when I'm there alone. Particularly at night, when I sometimes get the feeling that I'm NOT alone, when footsteps and creaks and whispers seem to fill the hallways and rooms that are supposed to be unoccupied.
So, while discussing loneliness with my friend, I casually commented that I have started to really depend on NPR during the day to keep me company. I found myself talking, as the realization of what I was saying was still on the horizon. I heard myself say that while driving the other day, I felt a rush of warmth all over my skin when I heard the familiar opening notes for the weekend version of "All Things Considered" and the calming voices of the NPR correspondents. I told my friend that I have come to think of these commentators as my "radio friends." (Poltergeist, anyone?) They are with me all day long, from the time I wake up in the morning till the time I go to bed at night. I never wear out my welcome with them, I can invite them into my home at my discretion, and they are always there when I need them. It's kinda pathetic. My friend's concerned expression as I rambled on about "the people in the radio" made me realize how troubling my revelation must have sounded. Her "Oh, Lauren!" was just the motivation I needed to shut up before I said anything further incriminating about my mental status.
I've been thinking about this thing over the last couple days and have concluded that I can't be the only one who relies on NPR for social entertainment in addition to news updates. After all, our local Michigan station just had a record spring donation drive in the midst of an economic recession. Perhaps many other folks who are laid off from jobs, stay-at-home parents, or for some other reason not at an office job, are donating hard-to-come-by dollars to the station that keeps their, (and my) radio friends on the air, keeping us company 24 hours a day.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Gratitude
I need to send out thanks to the several amongst you who openly commented on my last post. I think that post was in some ways the most open and honest I have ever been on the blog, and I felt a certain amount of trepidation about my candor. Thanks to you all for being so supportive and encouraging, at a time when I needed it most. I am so very grateful.
Perhaps in line with this, I have made the definitive decision to move down to Texas to be with Adam. The deciding factor was the sheer joy on Bryony's face when she saw him last night, and the fact that she stayed up until 1:30am to visit with him. This little girl loves her daddy. Adam, too, seemed simultaneously happier and sadder than ever to see his little girl, now so much bigger than she was just a month ago, and so much more mobile. He knows that he has missed so much in the last two months. I cannot bear the thought of them being apart for any longer than they have to.
I am overwhelmingly sad by the thought of leaving Lansing, my home for the last almost-eight years. I have built an incredible community of friends and colleagues there, and the idea of leaving now, when it feels we have established roots for our family, is scary and a bit nerve-wracking. But we shall persevere. Luckily baby and I are very social so we will hopefully have little trouble meeting new friends.
Not to mention, I just saw a job announcement for a natural resource position in a town about 30 minutes from where Adam lives, and a professional acquaintance has already volunteered to communicate with his Texas contacts on my behalf, so there is employment potential on the horizon...
Life is moving on for so many people in our lives--new marriages, new babies, new jobs, new towns...as much as I want to stay where I am and live in the moment (or perhaps live in the past?) I know it is time to allow my life to move on as well. We are all growing up and moving forward, and that is a good thing.
Killeen, Texas, isn't any better than the last time I visited. But perhaps it can be a stepping stone to the next great place in our lives. Waxing optimistic.
Perhaps in line with this, I have made the definitive decision to move down to Texas to be with Adam. The deciding factor was the sheer joy on Bryony's face when she saw him last night, and the fact that she stayed up until 1:30am to visit with him. This little girl loves her daddy. Adam, too, seemed simultaneously happier and sadder than ever to see his little girl, now so much bigger than she was just a month ago, and so much more mobile. He knows that he has missed so much in the last two months. I cannot bear the thought of them being apart for any longer than they have to.
I am overwhelmingly sad by the thought of leaving Lansing, my home for the last almost-eight years. I have built an incredible community of friends and colleagues there, and the idea of leaving now, when it feels we have established roots for our family, is scary and a bit nerve-wracking. But we shall persevere. Luckily baby and I are very social so we will hopefully have little trouble meeting new friends.
Not to mention, I just saw a job announcement for a natural resource position in a town about 30 minutes from where Adam lives, and a professional acquaintance has already volunteered to communicate with his Texas contacts on my behalf, so there is employment potential on the horizon...
Life is moving on for so many people in our lives--new marriages, new babies, new jobs, new towns...as much as I want to stay where I am and live in the moment (or perhaps live in the past?) I know it is time to allow my life to move on as well. We are all growing up and moving forward, and that is a good thing.
Killeen, Texas, isn't any better than the last time I visited. But perhaps it can be a stepping stone to the next great place in our lives. Waxing optimistic.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Lest I Be Misunderstood
In spring 2007, I started writing this blog as a way to allow family and friends to have a window into my world as I travelled to the West coast, where I worked as a wildlife biologist and had the fortune to encounter many wonderful people, places and sights. Since my return home, I have kept the blog up as a way to document my life events, goings-on, and overall feelings about these happenings. In essence, this is an on-line diary of sorts that I've felt rather comfortable sharing with close family and friends. And, to be sure, I still do.
Recently, someone who reads my blog accused me of being too negative in my postings, of advertising a "poor me" attitude and being generally ungrateful for the life that I have. I was really surprised by this accusation, mostly because I have tried, even in my most depressing stories and accounts, to mention the gratitude and appreciation that I have for the life that I lead. The accusation was tinged with such vehement anger, however, that I felt a need to re-read my blog and give a little introspective thought to the way that I present my circumstances. While I admit to using language sometimes that could be considered exaggerated or hyperbole, I also make the claim that I have a right to a certain amount of poetic license as I write my narratives. Not everything needs to be taken in the exact literal sense.
As a diary of sorts, I take it for granted that I am allowed, without judgement, to document my feelings about what is going on in my life. I don't think I have ever asked for anyone's sympathy or tried to make people feel sorry for me, even when I might have been feeling a bit sorry for myself. Life is hard. My life can be hard sometimes...but I am well aware that everyone's life can be hard sometimes. We all need a place to vent, to have a sounding board. Some people confide in their friends, others their clergy, and some keep it inside. I use this blog, and allow folks a (very big) peephole into what's going on in my head. I still don't regret that. Over the years I have gotten some really GREAT feedback from folks who can relate to what I have been going through at a certain time, or who have had similar feelings about an issue and want to talk about it more at length. I am grateful for the wonderful community of people that I have gotten to know better because of their receptiveness to the open quality of my blog.
I suppose, at the end of it all, we are lucky enough to live in a country where we have certain inalienable rights. The right to free speech, the right to peaceful assembly, the right to choose (or not choose) your own religion...and the right to not read any blog that might offend you. Feel free to delete me from your site history if my blog fits that bill.
Recently, someone who reads my blog accused me of being too negative in my postings, of advertising a "poor me" attitude and being generally ungrateful for the life that I have. I was really surprised by this accusation, mostly because I have tried, even in my most depressing stories and accounts, to mention the gratitude and appreciation that I have for the life that I lead. The accusation was tinged with such vehement anger, however, that I felt a need to re-read my blog and give a little introspective thought to the way that I present my circumstances. While I admit to using language sometimes that could be considered exaggerated or hyperbole, I also make the claim that I have a right to a certain amount of poetic license as I write my narratives. Not everything needs to be taken in the exact literal sense.
As a diary of sorts, I take it for granted that I am allowed, without judgement, to document my feelings about what is going on in my life. I don't think I have ever asked for anyone's sympathy or tried to make people feel sorry for me, even when I might have been feeling a bit sorry for myself. Life is hard. My life can be hard sometimes...but I am well aware that everyone's life can be hard sometimes. We all need a place to vent, to have a sounding board. Some people confide in their friends, others their clergy, and some keep it inside. I use this blog, and allow folks a (very big) peephole into what's going on in my head. I still don't regret that. Over the years I have gotten some really GREAT feedback from folks who can relate to what I have been going through at a certain time, or who have had similar feelings about an issue and want to talk about it more at length. I am grateful for the wonderful community of people that I have gotten to know better because of their receptiveness to the open quality of my blog.
I suppose, at the end of it all, we are lucky enough to live in a country where we have certain inalienable rights. The right to free speech, the right to peaceful assembly, the right to choose (or not choose) your own religion...and the right to not read any blog that might offend you. Feel free to delete me from your site history if my blog fits that bill.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Travel Tips
Bryony has accrued more frequent flyer miles at 9 months old than have many middle-aged adults. And, in that vein, I have picked up a number of good tips for flying with an infant that I thought I'd pass along to my friends who are parents, will be parents, or hoping to become parents. I have found that doing these things decreases my stress level and helps make the flight go much more smoothly, which is about all one can ask for when travelling with a tired, wiggling, cranky baby. Feel free to leave a comment if you have additional tips that you've found useful.
1) Call the airline a few days before the flight to make sure your baby is added to the reservation. "Lap babies", or children who will travel sitting on your lap during the flight, need to be on the passenger manifest, even if s/he doesn't have his/her own ticket.
2) Check your luggage. I know it costs extra these days, and trust me, I am as cheap as they come, but do yourself the favor and spend the extra cash. This last time I spent $25 each way, but it was worth it to be able to keep all my liquid/gel items, and not having to lug my roller bag behind me while carrying Bryony, my purse and the diaper bag was a load off. Keep the number of things you have to keep track of to a minimum.
3) Dress lightly with slip-on shoes. You're going to have to pass through security with a baby, a diaper bag and possibly other luggage. You don't want to have to fumble with additional clothing or tie-up shoes when you have to "undress" at the security screening. I tend to pack my jacket since I'll likely spend very little time outside as I'm flying and moving through airports.
4) Forget the stroller. I don't know how many parents I saw struggling with big bulky strollers and travel systems while trying to balance baby, diaper bags and luggage, too. I have flown all over the country with Bryony now, and each time I have carried her in a sling. Not only does it keep your hands free to deal with other things like using the bathroom, grabbing your boarding pass or ordering a snack, but it also can't get damaged by baggage handlers the way that a stroller can. And, as far as a car seat is concerned, I have always asked family and friends if they can borrow a car seat from someone during the duration of our stay. It has never been a problem and it saves me from a lot of stress.
5) Board early with "Priority Access." Most airlines have special pre-boarding for people who are travelling with infants and small children. Use it! That way you can find and settle into your seat before the onslaught of disgruntled passengers creates a long, cramped line along the main aisle of the plane.
6) Pack a pacifier. I was totally anti-pacifier (or, binky) before Bryony came into the world, but I was blessed with a baby who has, as the doctor put it, "a strong suck." So we've been using a pacifier since week three of her life and if not any other time, on a plane is THE time to use it. During takeoff and landing your ears get clogged; well, so do babies', but they don't necessarily know to swallow to make them "pop." So, sucking on a pacifier is a good way to keep their ears from hurting them. Nursing is also a good way, but not all airlines will allow the baby to be held in the nursing position during takeoff and landing--United made me hold her upright with her head over my shoulder--so pack a pacifier just in case!
7) Pack toys and additional food. Bryony is on solid foods now, and it really helped to give her some mashed banana as a fun distraction from the confinement of the seat. I also packed a few toys that make noise--although nothing so noisy that it would annoy my seatmate.
8) Allow fellow passengers to help you if they offer! I often play the role of the martyr, assuming all responsibility for everything so as not to bother people. I am quickly learning to let go of that persona when it comes to flying. If my seatmate wants to keep Bryony entertained on the flight (playing peek-a-boo, making faces a her, playing with her toys with her) so I don't have to be the stand-up comedian for the entire trip, then I let them. If people ask if they can grab a dropped item or stowed bag for me, the I let them. It really really will take the stress off of you and allow you to keep a bit of your energy if you accept help from thoughtful folks.
9) Try to get sleep when baby is sleeping. Bryony is pretty good about falling asleep during longer flights (and even during shorter flights) but I am not always good about remembering to catch some zzz's myself. Catching up on your sleep, especially if you have two or more legs to your trip, is a great way to conserve energy for the rest of the day.
10) If you have room in the diaper bag, pack a thin blanket. I found that letting Bryony roll around and play on the floor at the gate got her tired enough that she was ready to sleep once the plane got in the air. A sleeping baby makes for a quiet flight!
1) Call the airline a few days before the flight to make sure your baby is added to the reservation. "Lap babies", or children who will travel sitting on your lap during the flight, need to be on the passenger manifest, even if s/he doesn't have his/her own ticket.
2) Check your luggage. I know it costs extra these days, and trust me, I am as cheap as they come, but do yourself the favor and spend the extra cash. This last time I spent $25 each way, but it was worth it to be able to keep all my liquid/gel items, and not having to lug my roller bag behind me while carrying Bryony, my purse and the diaper bag was a load off. Keep the number of things you have to keep track of to a minimum.
3) Dress lightly with slip-on shoes. You're going to have to pass through security with a baby, a diaper bag and possibly other luggage. You don't want to have to fumble with additional clothing or tie-up shoes when you have to "undress" at the security screening. I tend to pack my jacket since I'll likely spend very little time outside as I'm flying and moving through airports.
4) Forget the stroller. I don't know how many parents I saw struggling with big bulky strollers and travel systems while trying to balance baby, diaper bags and luggage, too. I have flown all over the country with Bryony now, and each time I have carried her in a sling. Not only does it keep your hands free to deal with other things like using the bathroom, grabbing your boarding pass or ordering a snack, but it also can't get damaged by baggage handlers the way that a stroller can. And, as far as a car seat is concerned, I have always asked family and friends if they can borrow a car seat from someone during the duration of our stay. It has never been a problem and it saves me from a lot of stress.
5) Board early with "Priority Access." Most airlines have special pre-boarding for people who are travelling with infants and small children. Use it! That way you can find and settle into your seat before the onslaught of disgruntled passengers creates a long, cramped line along the main aisle of the plane.
6) Pack a pacifier. I was totally anti-pacifier (or, binky) before Bryony came into the world, but I was blessed with a baby who has, as the doctor put it, "a strong suck." So we've been using a pacifier since week three of her life and if not any other time, on a plane is THE time to use it. During takeoff and landing your ears get clogged; well, so do babies', but they don't necessarily know to swallow to make them "pop." So, sucking on a pacifier is a good way to keep their ears from hurting them. Nursing is also a good way, but not all airlines will allow the baby to be held in the nursing position during takeoff and landing--United made me hold her upright with her head over my shoulder--so pack a pacifier just in case!
7) Pack toys and additional food. Bryony is on solid foods now, and it really helped to give her some mashed banana as a fun distraction from the confinement of the seat. I also packed a few toys that make noise--although nothing so noisy that it would annoy my seatmate.
8) Allow fellow passengers to help you if they offer! I often play the role of the martyr, assuming all responsibility for everything so as not to bother people. I am quickly learning to let go of that persona when it comes to flying. If my seatmate wants to keep Bryony entertained on the flight (playing peek-a-boo, making faces a her, playing with her toys with her) so I don't have to be the stand-up comedian for the entire trip, then I let them. If people ask if they can grab a dropped item or stowed bag for me, the I let them. It really really will take the stress off of you and allow you to keep a bit of your energy if you accept help from thoughtful folks.
9) Try to get sleep when baby is sleeping. Bryony is pretty good about falling asleep during longer flights (and even during shorter flights) but I am not always good about remembering to catch some zzz's myself. Catching up on your sleep, especially if you have two or more legs to your trip, is a great way to conserve energy for the rest of the day.
10) If you have room in the diaper bag, pack a thin blanket. I found that letting Bryony roll around and play on the floor at the gate got her tired enough that she was ready to sleep once the plane got in the air. A sleeping baby makes for a quiet flight!
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